I have been trying to move past my ego. I would like to be able to see the world through my body rather than my thoughts. I don't know why this is. I guess I am tired of thinking. It really has served me no purpose.
I have a lot of work to get past my ego. Today, I listened to Eckhart Tolle talk about how you can feel your body as alive, and how that'll stop the ego-mind from chattering. "Feel the energy in your hands," Eckhart's audio voice said. "You may even feel a slight tingle. That is you feeling the aliveness of your body."
I know it sounds crazy from society's make money, war, and kill people stance; and believe me, there is nothing I like better than watching agony and suffering on the news, and then going to the local supermarket to scowl at people buying regular milk when they should be buying fat free soy - but I simply don't think I can stomach my thoughts on any side other than the "no sides" of what everything is when there is no making and only being.
I really don't know how to cultivate this perspective other than to continue checking in with my body and meditating. I suppose I will exercise discipline in other facets of my life - writing, tennis, running, loving - so that it will be more of a 100% attitude.
Some of you may be scratching your heads at my mention of love as a discipline. "Why would it be so sterile or robotic?" you might ask.
Well, I am glad you did, because I am also a bit perplexed as to why I would consider love a discipline. It has taken me a moment to realize that when I say "discipline", I am simply acknowledging how anything I do can be seen from a perspective of the "body feeling" rather than the mind thinking. If I am capable of approaching love with my body, than I may just actually experience it in a - and I am resisting the word "better", because I know if I say it, then I am simply creating a sense of identity in reference to this new ideology - different way.
With my mind shut off, I may be able to experience a different love. I don't really know what this is. I could even be on a wild goose chase once again - God knows I've taken enough routes to try and see the world from different perspectives (cue montage of P. doing Bikram yoga, drumming at a sweat lodge, sitting Zen meditation in a Korean Temple, running down a windy road in Elkton Maryland, and finally, a younger shot of the author building an igloo out of embanked snow circling an entire neighborhood cul-de-sac). Who knows where this will lead? I am excited about the prospects though. I stare at the trees above me on the tennis court. I feel my body. I turn into an avocado. I disappear into my thoughts mean my thoughts mean my thoughts mean. I reappear like Milton. I flag down a nudist. I climb aboard. I sail to the Galapagos Islands. I pet a lizard. I pull out my lizard. I perform a vasectomy. I eat a snail. I become Franch. "This is the past tense of French," I explain to a friend beside me. The friend understands. We make love. I look at the trees. I make nothing.