Sideways State of Consciousness

I have been trying to move past my ego. I would like to be able to see the world through my body rather than my thoughts. I don't know why this is. I guess I am tired of thinking. It really has served me no purpose. 

I have a lot of work to get past my ego. Today, I listened to Eckhart Tolle talk about how you can feel your body as alive, and how that'll stop the ego-mind from chattering. "Feel the energy in your hands," Eckhart's audio voice said. "You may even feel a slight tingle. That is you feeling the aliveness of your body."

I know it sounds crazy from society's make money, war, and kill people stance; and believe me, there is nothing I like better than watching agony and suffering on the news, and then going to the local supermarket to scowl at people buying regular milk when they should be buying fat free soy - but I simply don't think I can stomach my thoughts on any side other than the "no sides" of what everything is when there is no making and only being.

I really don't know how to cultivate this perspective other than to continue checking in with my body and meditating. I suppose I will exercise discipline in other facets of my life - writing, tennis, running, loving - so that it will be more of a 100% attitude.

Some of you may be scratching your heads at my mention of love as a discipline. "Why would it be so sterile or robotic?" you might ask. 

Well, I am glad you did, because I am also a bit perplexed as to why I would consider love a discipline. It has taken me a moment to realize that when I say "discipline", I am simply acknowledging how anything I do can be seen from a perspective of the "body feeling" rather than the mind thinking. If I am capable of approaching love with my body, than I may just actually experience it in a - and I am resisting the word "better", because I know if I say it, then I am simply creating a sense of identity in reference to this new ideology - different way. 

With my mind shut off, I may be able to experience a different love. I don't really know what this is. I could even be on a wild goose chase once again - God knows I've taken enough routes to try and see the world from different perspectives (cue montage of P. doing Bikram yoga, drumming at a sweat lodge, sitting Zen meditation in a Korean Temple, running down a windy road in Elkton Maryland, and finally, a younger shot of the author building an igloo out of embanked snow circling an entire neighborhood cul-de-sac). Who knows where this will lead? I am excited about the prospects though. I stare at the trees above me on the tennis court. I feel my body. I turn into an avocado. I disappear into my thoughts mean my thoughts mean my thoughts mean. I reappear like Milton. I flag down a nudist. I climb aboard. I sail to the Galapagos Islands. I pet a lizard. I pull out my lizard. I perform a vasectomy. I eat a snail. I become Franch. "This is the past tense of French," I explain to a friend beside me. The friend understands. We make love. I look at the trees. I make nothing.  

 

Byron Katie Teaches the Honest No

I like saying and hearing "no".

Byron Katie Rocks!

STYX: Using Tactile Objects to Make a Clean Break!

Life is filled with interactions. Sometimes it is necessary to be aware of how the patterns in one's relationships may not necessarily be as "clean" as one would like. Like the human body, things accrue over time. In any relationship, there may be a need for renewal, or we could say, "letting go" of what was there before to allow for something new to take its place.

In order to allow for this "newness" and "growth", I often use a technique I learned from one of my shaman friends. There is no name for this ritual - at least none that I am aware of - so let's just call it STYX to allow for a nice 80's flashback amidst this New Age talk.

My shaman friend once explained that the branches a person finds in nature can often be associated with a relationship. He told me that if I am having something unhealthy happening within my life, that I could find a branch within nature to represent this relationship. He then said that I could take this branch and set it upon an altar or "special spot" within my living space. My intention - the thought I would hold as I placed the obect down - would be to break the branch and its associated unhealthiness the following morning, leaving only that which is "true, good, and beautiful". Then, when morning arrived, the physical act of breaking the branch would commence after the following prayer:

"May only that which is true, good, and beautiful remain in my relationship with __________."

I have since used this tactic from time to time in my life. Sometimes this has been to let go of the past for myself, and at other times it was to create something new with my non-personal relationsips i.e. "A branch that represented my relationship with "money", "a novel", or even "my body." "

Although the shaman did not say to go outside personal relationships, I have found that the majority of my issues are not with other people, but myself, so that is why I often break branches, not to signify a "split" or "severing" from a relationship, but rather an acknowledgement that I am done thinking in a set pattern about a particular avenue within my life.

For example, right now I have a series of branches on my table (see above). Some of these represent relationships with people in my life, and others represent my relationship with the functional work in my life i.e. "artistry", "job", and so on. The individuals/non-indivuduals are not things/people I am having particular difficulty with (in some cases), but they are representative of continuous interaction, and we could then say they hold "patterned" or "old" ways of thinking that have accrued over time. Therefore, the breaking of these branches, does not necessarily have to be when things are "bad" or "unhealthy", but simply when an individual needs to say "goodbye", or when they want to "let go" of how a relationship was to how it is.

All this being said and done, this ritual is not really necessary for everyone. Some people might find meditation to be more useful, as it allows for one to simply "drop a thought." Others might find the work of Byron Katie to be just what the doctor ordered. And there are others still, who may use the dismantling of a poem, or a "non-artistic" act i.e."living outside one's comfort zone" to create a similar break.

Personally, for myself, I like to incorporate magic in my daily life. This is not the magic of Harry Potter or Houdini, but simply my word and feeling for spiritual creativity, or we could simply say, creativity, as I see no difference between the two.

If you find this activity of interest and would like to know more about it, please comment below. I would be happy to discuss it in further detail. Just remember it doesn't really matter at all, and it is not necessary in the least. It is simply a helpful tool for us to bring our thought patterns to a moment of tactile awareness, as the mind can often register a physical act much easier than it can acknowledge one that it is simply another thought within a thought.

PK

Watch Porn or Eat Well?

Brad Warner lays out the issue in his latest post on Hardcore Zen:

"Dogen said, "By eliminating disturbances we redouble the disease... Intellectual excluding now adds to the disease and augments the disease. The very moment itself of eliminating is inevitably disturbance. They are simultaneous and are beyond simultaneousness. Disturbances always include the fact of [trying to] eliminate them” " (Warner, B., "Don't View Big Fish," 2007).

My Asshole Speks

Sometimes people are assholes. Is this statement true? Yes. Can you absolutely know it's true? Can you give 3 examples where this is true? 1) When a family member tells me to stop smoking or get married. 2) When anyone tells me to do anything. 3) When I act like I have something to teach someone else.

I think those are good examples. I usually find someone to be an asshole, when they act like they know better than me, what is good for me. I would classify this as "asshole behavior." I am often an asshole. Sometimes I think I know what is best for someone else. I say it. Then I realize I don't really know. That is why I usually back my statements with the precursor that, "I really don't know. I'm just guessing and I could change my mind tomorrow."

I also do not offer advice unless it is solicited. If I ever offer advice without solicitation, then I feel like an asshole for opening my mouth. At the same time, sometimes I open my mouth without solicitation. Sometimes I have to speak my truth. This is usually when someone is overstepping their boundaries with me, or I feel a nagging feeling to say something about an event. Of course, I could question these instances and find that maybe I am not really upset, and that I'm just taking something personal or in such a manner that was not intended by the person who said it.

In either case, I would say acting like you know is a real "asshole move." Who knows? I only know that this is something that bothers me on occasion. I don't like people getting in my business when they aren't invited. At the same time, I have now come to recognize that people are people, and this is reality. People overstep their boundaries sometimes. They will say things like, "You should get married," and "People shouldn't smoke," or whatever other statement you could imagine that might push a person's buttons.

I ask myself if these statements are true in these situations. Should I stop smoking? Am I emotional? Should I get married? It is funny that I ask, but I usually do. I don't like to shy away from the truth. At the same time, I do recognize that this is not anyone's business but my own. In some shamanic circles, the word "should" is often taken as a curse, and the common response one might hear to "should anything" is "Fuck off!" This might be a bit extreme for some, but I have seen Zen Masters act as dismissive to these comments as well. In fact, we could look no further than Brad Warner's blog, Hardcore Zen, to see his open commentary on what makes someone an asshole, regardless of other people's opinions that "someone who is Buddhist would not act in such a manner."

Contrary to public opinion, the idea that those who call themselves "spiritual" or have some claim to a religious tradition must act in a "guru" or "non-affected manner," is horse dookie. Reality is that if someone is an asshole it doesn't take much juris-DIC-tion to lay the claim.

When I was younger, my father often encouraged me to respond to every situation with what he termed "PCD" or "Positive Communincation Dialogue." As a child, I liked the sentiment, but felt very confused when I entered the real world outside of my bubble where people did not behave in the same fashion, or when my father, himself, chastised or scolded me.

"What happened to PCD?" I would ask in my precocious, 7 year old whine. "Please say what you have to say positively."

This, of course, would only escalate the situation further, and, as a child, I had no framework that would identify this standard of behavior as something that was conceptual in nature and held no footing in the world of reality - where human beings are often mean, slander one another, and act outside the "PCD" I was taught.

As time moved on, I could see that acting in a "holier than thou" manner, was as assholish as being an asshole to begin with. I came to understand that people are people, and there is no prerequisite to wanting to be spiritual other than being real to oneself and being honest with the situations that are presented. In other words, for me to be what I am, I simply needed to be. I didn't have to put on an affected manner, choose my words carefully, or hold my opinion back if I didn't want to. I found, and am still finding, that the ultimate truth is that assholes are not assholes at all. They are much more colorful and fresh than you might think. They could even be called refreshing.

Just think about it. How often do you get a chance to see people being what they are, with the awareness that they are them, and you are you. It can be quite life transforming to see this. Suddenly, the boss at work who verbalizes himself in monotones and expects the company report in "three shakes" of a cliche, is suddenly just another character in your life. His expectation of you meeting his quota is not a personal vendetta, but simply a baton-passed corporate necessity to keep your company on the straight and narrow. If the situation creates an overdramatic amount of stress, then chances are you may be sensitive to the issue on that particular day, or maybe, just maybe, the corporate life is not really where you feel the most comfortable, and a change of occupation may be the "asshole!" under your breadth.

Who knows? That's just a story, like this whole post is a story. I have no concrete answers. I only have a line of thought that I can follow. Sometimes it leads to a nice little ending where people can say, "Ah, wasn't that a nice ending. Now I can call people assholes." Sometimes it's not as clear cut, and you might say, "So what's the point? Are people assholes or aren't they? Should I refrain from using that word?" Of course, this is the point where I laugh and pretend I am the Oracle from the Matrix, and offer you a cookie, just to say, "By the time you finish this, you'll feel right as rain."

Isn't that funny? Well, I doubt you will feel better or more justified to go in either direction based on this post. I have my gauge of what is right and wrong. You have yours. We can call everyone an asshole and see if that makes any difference. We can pick and choose who meet this category. We can even take a whiff and call it refreshing.

I don't know. For me, an asshole by any other name would smell as bad. I guess the difference between how I currently feel compared to how I began, is that I am aware that I can call people assholes, but that it doesn't really matter. I am me and will die with my own asshole, so what's the point? I have better things to do with my time. I am not going to second guess my truth with someone else's. I might call you an asshole. I might not even say a word. I might just be a submarine in the desert. People will call my ship, "Nautilus, the Sequel." I will use my periscope to view sand dunes. I will yell at my crew. I will say, "Down periscope!" "Up Periscope!" and "Pear is coke!"

I will hold you in my arms. I will make love like a gorilla. You will look at the hair on my chest and say, "Gorilla." I won't have to stand on the bed, or convince myself there are people running from me wildly with mass hysteria. I know that I am a bear. I know that I am not Godzilla. I can scratch myself. I can dig into a well. I can call myself a plumber. I can even support the War in Iraq. I can say things like, "No new taxes," and make my voice sound like the President, because I am good at imitating voices.

I can do all these things in my submarine. I can even die. Just like that. Then I will die. And I will say, "Just like that." And I will not go to heaven. I don't believe in heaven. I believe in the sands of Mars. I will write in my will, "Please put my ashes on the sands of Mars. Do not put me in the ocean or on some stupid cliff in the Adirondacks. I don't like those places. I only like being on the sands of Mars. Put me there. Just like that."

Of course, I don't even have to be buried. I could be evaporated like steam. That would be better for the environment. My dust particles might have some secret beneficial effect on the environment that will make Al Gore happy, and everyone who lives in trees will come out and say, "Thank you, we can taste your dust particles. They have given us hope in the trees. Thank you for dying."

It doesn't really matter. My ass is my ass. It doesn't want too much. Just toilet paper. Toilet paper and soap. Toilet paper, soap, and water. Water. I could talk more about water. I could talk about waves. I could talk about drowing.

I will drown in the sand. I will not take out my periscope. I will not say a word. I will be in my submarine. People will ask what happened, but no one will know. My submarine is too stealthy. My death is just as loud. Just like dust hitting the ground. Just like a screaming tornado. Just like two hands together. Just like fa-ish in a bowl. Just like fever. Julst like fishermen. Just like fists in my face. Just like ice cubes. Just like fire. Just like poof. Just like this.

Who would I be without the thought, "sometimes people are assholes?"

I would write about something else. I would write a story. I would go to bed. I would be more relaxed. I wouldn't categorize someone as one if I met them. I wouldn't get in their story at all. I would just do what I have to do. I would do the things I want to do. I would be happy. I would be relaxed. I wouldn't be stressed.

Turn it around.

Self: Sometimes I am an asshole. (Of course.)

Other: Sometimes you think I am an asshole. (Of course.)

Opposite: Sometimes people aren't assholes. (So true.)

Today I sat with my class. I talked in a soft voice. We smiled a lot. I thought to myself. They are full of kindness. They like my soft voice. That was a nice observation. I am going to sleep now. Bye.

Hyon Gak Gives Dharma Talk, I Give Nothing

I went to Hwa Gye Sah Temple today. It was nice. I sat in on the dharma talk (even though D. told me not to pay attention to dharma talks), and even managed to get on Korean TV. I asked Hyon Gak Sunim JDPS, guiding teacher of the Seoul International Zen Center and Hwa Gye Sah Temple, what he thought about Byron Katie's 4 questions.

"It's Buddhism," he said. Then he took each question in turn and answered them Zen style by smacking his hand on the podium:

"Is that true?" Smack!

Can I absolutely know that's true?" Smack!

Who would I be without that thought?" Smack!!

Turn it around. Smack.

Then he smacked the podium and asked me, "Is it true?" I had no idea what he was referring to. I wasn't paying attention. Some camera guy was in my face. I just said, "I don't know." Those Buddhists love "I don't know."

"You don't know?" he asked, rather surprised.

"No," I said.

"Okay," he said, and then he asked this Korean guy, and the Korean guy smacked the ground in reply. I could have done this, but it felt kind of moot to me. I mean, I understand how smacking the ground unifies everything, because we're all experiencing the sound simultaneously, but I felt fake smacking the ground after he did 8 times. I also didn't really know. I mean, I could say I do, but I think I'm getting dumber. I also don't really care.

Maybe, D. was right. Maybe, I need to shut my mouth and fuck the dharma talks. I do a lot better with sitting. Talk just bores me - unless it's stories. I love telling stories.

After the temple, I went with my friend, So Hee, to Penelope's in Suyu Yuk. That was fun. We told stories about our high school sexual experiences. Then I drank a Guiness, smoked cigarettes, and yakety-yaked some more. I like telling stories.

During Hyon Gak's talk he mentioned wondoo, a Korean word for the essential question that is passed down by a teacher to a student for them to consider during their monkhood or life. He said that he didn't get any wondoo from Zen Master Seung Sahn. He said he already had his wondoo since he was a little boy. It was to ask why. Why am I alive? What is it all about? That made me think about what D. told me in the bar we went to: "Why do you write?" he asked me. "Answer with no words."

I guess that's my wondoo. I don't have any answer. I could smack the ground and all, but that doesn't seem write (I meant right, but I'll keep my mistake). I could think about it, but that wouldn't get me anywhere. I guess that's what I'm supposed to ask when I'm meditating and all. I think I'll ask it tomorrow morning. If I don't, then I won't be upset. I just don't care about wondoo. I don't care about Zen. I like it, but I don't really care all that much.

I like stories. I like movies. I like Spiderman 3. I also like that Byron Katie put up something I wrote for her on her blog. That was cool. Now I'm going to watch Spiderman 3. I think I'm in love. I'm going to watch Spiderman 3. I'm watching Spiderman 3. I'm tired. I like donuts. I'm tired. I don't like donuts. I like the word donuts. I'm going to sleep. I am not watching Spiderman 3. I am turning off my fan. I turned off my fan. I am lying in bed. I am asleep.

Brad Warner and Boris Yeltsin Sit Down and Shut Up!

Brad Warner, one of my favorite human beings in the world, has a new book out entitled, Sit Down and Shut Up! If you like Zen, punk rock, and no bullshit, it might be for you. If not, you can enjoy his song, "Boris Yeltsin."



Brad, you rock! I'll be back home in February to get bored. Catch you soon, brother!

ZEN and the KOREAN HOT BATH

Last night I went with D. to a Korean hot bath. We went into the very hot tub, the hot-but-not-kill-you tub, the dry sauna at about 63 degrees Celsius (154 degrees Fahrenheit), and then the freezing ice tub.

I nearly died during the transition. All the muscles in my back froze up and I went limp.

"What are you an ARDISHI?" D joked, calling me "old man" in Korean.

"Yes," I replied.

"Come," he beckoned, and led me to the showers for a cleaning. "You will get used to it."

"It's really great."

"Yes," D. agreed. "Very good for the body. It doesn't feel too cold or too hot."

"Do routines like this help you?"

"No," D said, and then paused for a moment. "Yes, sometimes."

"I think I'll do this once a week."

"Good," D agreed. "Then you can go sit on Sundays."

"Can I practice alone too?"

"Yes," D. nodded. "Just pick a regular time everyday. Then start with 108 prostrations. Then sit for half and hour."

"I think I can do it every morning at 5."

"Okay," D smiled. "Just make sure it is a realistic goal. Many people say they will sit twice a day, but then this is too much, so they stop and feel bad and stop practicing. So pick something realistic for you."

"Okay."

After the hot tub, D. and and I drank beck-soju, ate peanuts, and talked about the proper way to sit meditation.

"There are three things to sitting Zen," D. told me. "Posture, breadth, and mind."

"Okay."

"When you sit," D pulled his leg in the half-lotus position, "You sit in half lotus or full lotus. You put your right hand under your left, and then let your fingers [thumbs] touch. Then you put it right below your navel, your mudra. So that when you breathe, your stomach comes out to touch your thumbs."

"Got it," I said, imitating the posture.

"Now sit straight up. Let your back go straight, put your shoulders back, and imagine your head is being pulled by a string, up! Good! Now relax. You are holding the posture, but not to hurt yourself. This is very important."

"Okay."

"Now when you breathe, breathe with your nose. Let the breadth come in and then out. Your stomach should cave in with the breadth and then back out. Just breathe naturally."

I took a couple breadths. Then D. explained MIND.

"Last thing is mind. You want to let the thoughts come. You are soft focusing on the ground. Thoughts will come and go. It is like a cloud. The more you think about the cloud, the longer it stays. But if you notice the cloud and let it go, the cloud will go away. It is this simple."

"All right."

"Sometimes there are tricks if it is difficult to let go of something. You can breathe in and say "doooon't," and then breathe "knooow" out. You can also count. Sometimes this is very hard. You have to remember the number. Sometimes you have to count again. But just count. No thinking. Just count. Pay attention to your breadth. This is it."

Later, D. and I talked about art and Zen. I told him how my writing and art had changed over time, and that I was worried that if I practiced regularly, I might not have a desire to do any."

"Clear mind is clear art," D laughed. "Unclear mind is unclear art."

"Mmmm," I nodded.

"It is this easy," he smiled. "Just do it."

"Why do you meditate?"

"For you," he smiled. "For you. This simple."

"Yes."

"Let me ask you, 'Why do you write?' "

"Um...I don't know."

"Good. This "don't know mind" is good. But ask this question: 'WHY DO I WRITE?' Also ask, 'WHO IS DOING THIS WRITING?' Do not use any words. "

"I will," I laughed. "Those are good quesitons."



[ I was very excited when D. agreed to printing our letters back and forth here. He was beautifully gracious. "Okay," he smiled. "If you want." ]

D.'s Recommended BOOKS AND AUTHORS:

1. The Mirror of Zen: The Classic Guide to Buddhist Practice by Zen Master
So Sahn
2. Bones of the Master by George Crane
3. Holidays in Hell by P. J. O'Rourke
4. I was also told to see the film, SEX AND LUCIA.

Meeting D. at Hwa Gye Sah Temple

Last night I met with D, a Zen Buddhist of the Kwan Um School. He introduced me to some of the teachers at the Hwa Gye Sah Temple in Seoul.

"This is Bo Zang," he told me. "He is from Lithuania."

"Hello," I said. "Nice to meet you."

"And this is Zen Master Wu Bong. He is living in France."

"Nice to meet you."

"That is my Korean name," Bo Zang told me.

"I would like a Korean name," I said.

"If you sit for 3 years," D smiled. "Then you can take your precepts and get a Korean name."

"Mmmm," Zen Master Wu Bong remarked. "Maybe, Bop Bo."

"Bop Bo," I repeated. "What does that mean?"

"It is like yuppy."

"I like that name. I would like to have it."

"Well," Bo Zang gestured. "If Zen Master says it, then I think this is your name."

D. and I sat in the sitting room with a few other foreigners at the Temple. Most of them had just finished a 90 day retreat. They were very talkative.

"I am from Newfoundland," one of the Buddhists told me. "It's on the far side of Canada."

"This is a Franciscan brother who has come to sit with us," D pointed out a nice, Scottish monk.

We all chatted about where we came from, and then discussed jokes from our native countries. Then our Dharma friend from Newfoundland told us about his retreats to the caves in Thailand.

"My cave was angled in such a way, that whenever it rained all my things would get washed away," he smiled. "It was very hard. There was also a man there who had not left his cave in 17 years. He just lied in a hammock and kept thinking."

This made us all laugh. D. then potificated on the practice rituals for those who want to be with people and those who don't.

"Maybe, the people who want to be alone, need to practice with others," he smiled. "And the people who need to be with people, need to practice alone."

Everyone nodded in respect to D.. Then D. and I made our way outside the Temple. He was set on taking me to a hot bath. "How do you expect to get Enlightenment if you don't go to the hot bath?" D laughed.

"Okay," I said. "Let's go take a bath."

We made our way down the hill from the Temple and stopped off for some palm rice wine. This was where D. and I talked about the "American Dream" and Los Angeles.

"In America," D. said. "There is a lot of this ME mentality. Everything is me, me, me. This is very different from other places."

"Yes," I said. "I noticed it in Los Angeles. Everyone was dreaming."

"Yes," D. smiled. "And you got out of it. This is good. You have the Dharma companions guiding you. Do you know this term Dharma companion?"

I shook my head.

"Dharma companion is like ancestors of the Dharma. They look out for you. They have brought you here. This is very good."

"Yes," I agreed. "Los Angeles was starting to get to me."

"My friend he was a musician in Los Angeles. He said everything is concentrated on the external."

"Yes, image is a big thing," I agreed.

"Now you are out. You must go sit every Sunday to make your center strong. Then when you make a mistake it is only a big mistake."

D. asked me about sitting with Brad Warner. He was very curious about him. "I would like to meet him," he said. "I like his book."

"He's a good guy," I said.

"Did you sit at any retreats with him?"

"Just one. There were kids playing in the playground outside. They kept yelling "Marco! Polo!!" Then when we were done sitting, Brad looked up and said, "Polo."

"Good," D. smiled.

"Yeah," I said. "He was a pretty serious guy."

"Good," D said. "Life is very serious, Pirooz."

I told him about how Brad was criticizing Ken Wilbur and the 15 minute Enlightenment ideas W. had been supporting as of late. "Brad says how you couldn't expect to lose weight after 15 years of being out of shape, so how could you expect Enlightenment to come as easily," I explained.

"Yes," D. smiled. He is wrong though. For some people, it is just like," D. snapped his fingers. "Just like that. There is no waiting. For others, it takes a long time. It sounds like he was commenting on the importance of sitting. This is good. But do not worry about when. Just practice."

"Only go straight," I nodded.

"Gooood!" D exclaimed. "Yes, you will go to these Sunday sits. Do not worry about the talk. Talk doesn't matter. Just sit."

"Okay," I said.

"Yes!" he exclaimed again. How old are you?"

"Thirty."

"Oh, so young!"

"Yes."

"Mmmm. Yes you have a lot of time. You are young and healthy. Go with what happens. Just allow the moment."

We left for the hot bath soon after. We walked about 6 or 7 blocks only to find it closed. D. didn't know any others to go to, so we walked back to the Temple. He was set on making sure I got a taxi to get back to campus. He stood by the traffic light to watch for when it changed. As soon as it did, he shouted and pushed me.

"Go!" he yelled after me. "Just go!"

I went straight.

What's Out There?

Well, I put down an ice cream cone and it's stayed put. That's a good sign. Good enough to get me out of bed to read some blogs.

For those of you who are still sick with the stomach flu, or just haven't chanced upon these posts, you can be sure there will be no harm if you find out what the fuss is about, you might even recover from your illnesses, know right and wrong, or feel like you can take on the Cobra Kai.

Smidge writes about a run-in with the Cobra Kai at a school competition.

Brad Warner improvises a post about right and wrong in Buddhism.

Miss Ahmad offers a beacon with her observations on the Dixie Chicks, Rick Rubin, and today's political climate.

Kasey has posted his top 100 films.

My top films? That's very hard. Here are some:

1. Where Is My Friend's House?
2. It's a Wonderful Life
3. The Sound of Music
4. Life Is Beautiful
5. Dances with Wolves
6. Groundhog Day
7. Antonia's Line
8. Burnt by the Sun
9. Empire Strikes Back
10. Back to the Future

Guido, Honda Prelude, Zen Retreat, and Dolbey

I need a vacation from my car. I don't think it likes to work. It prefers Pep Boys. They treat her good.

"Is this Guido?"

"Yes."

"I dropped off my Honda."

"Yes."

"I wanted to know what's up with it."

"Hold on."

I am on hold for awhile. It's so long I am in past tense. Then I stop. It's between Guido and her. It's their story. I'm just a spectator.

"Hello?"

"Is this Guido?"

"Yes."

"What's going on?"

"The car is being worked on right now, bro."

"Can you call me when you know what's going on?"

"Yes."

"Can you call at my work number?"

"Yes."

I look at my computer screen. I think: That's it. I'm going to end it. She's not what I need right now. I'm a young man in L.A.. I need a car that wants to work with me. Spend time with me. Support me. I don't need a car that prefers Guido or smoking on the 405. That's not what I want in this relationship. Not at all.

"Honda?"

"Yes."

"Honda Prelude?"

"Yes."

"This is hard for me to say. You've been good to me, but -"




"Hello, this is Jose from Pep Boys. Is this Pizolla Kray-"

"Yes."

"Okay so the Honda has a leaking hose and the thermostat needs to be changed."

"Yes."

"So when we do that the coolant is going to spill, so we're going to have to replace the coolant."

"And how much is that going to cost me?"

"So the grand total with replacing the hose, thermostat, oil change and the coolant is going to run you 396 dollars and 42 cents."

"Mr. Karareyah?"

"Yes."

"The total is going to be 396 dollars and 42 cents."

"Okay. When can I pick her up?"

"It'll be ready at 430."

"Okay."

I hang up the phone.

"So what's up?

"What?"

"You were saying?"

"Nothing, baby. Everything's good."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'll pick you up later."

I walk to Pep Boys. I try and come up with ways to tell her. It's three more blocks. I'm sure I can build the courage. I'm sure I can.

"Hey," a voice says. "You want to take me out instead."

It's American Spirit. She's shaking those legs.

"Don't you want to? For old time's sake?"

Man, I think. These girls are everywhere.

_________________________________

I got an email from Brad Warner. It looks like I will be sitting zazen tomorrow with him. How cool, huh? I read a book and then go sit with the guy who wrote it. Only in L.A.

I also found that Brad has a blogger account. He writes about his love for monster movies, zen, and good food. Check it out!

I also happened to find a link on his site that pointed to "A Reason Why Writers Shouldn't Blog." It was written by a Dolbey character. His opinion is that blogging saturates the creative juices and leaves nothing for novels.

Is this true?

I have been told that people who date or meet friends through the internet are saturating their juices to actually meet up in the physical world.

Is this true?

I have been told by friends that love is coming to me - someone will love me for all that I am.

I don't go on internet dating services.
I don't go to bars.
I spend all my time writing novels, making music, working in television, blogging, and going to Pep Boys.

Is this true?

I will catch you on the flip,

P to the Z...


"Watch out for that tree?" I said.
"I am not afraid of trees," Tanto said. "It's branches I'm worried about."

The Car Adventure, Bootylicious, and Hardcore Zen

The car adventure has ended. After weeks of debating between buying a new car and repairing the old one, I have replaced my catalytic converter and passed California's smog exam. Now I will hit the DMV in style tomorrow.

This is a load off my back. It was causing way too much stress. And thanks to financial help from my father I will be able to get out of the car debt hole as well. Thank, God!

Now my one goal is to get a functioning computer to start tearing up a website for myself.

What else?

I hung out with Jennifer Perkins of Austin Craft Mafia. She is so sweet and purty. I will see if she can do an interview on her rise to television stardom and how she and the other craft mobsters have changed consumerism in the new millenium.

Jessica Smith's Organic Furniture Cellar has just been reviewed by Ron Silliman.

Richard Froude of Ellipsis has interviewed me for Issue 7 of Ellipsis Magazine. Believe it or not, this is my first interview in association with writing.

I am hard at work on adapting a screenplay of The Whopper Strategies. There is talk of a movie. People are interested and it looks like my brother, Paiman, and I are to be sold as The Kalayeh Brothers. I find this exciting and fascinating. Paiman is an excellent director and artist and I am excited at what we will create together.

My youngest brother, Panauh, is tearing up the music scene. He is working at the very hot Track Records and is dealing with so many great artists it's unreal. Right now he is in the works of putting out a mix tape with Phenom, and others, and, you won't believe this, The Slipshod Swingers. That's right. Our little group has gone gangster.

[ I also hope The Starving Artist's Beach Boyz makes the album. It has been my Los Angeles anthem - one of the best songs out there hands down. I feel like crying and laughing everytime I hear it. Long live The Hawkeye and Mickey Gees!]

Thus far, the track of choice from Slipshod is Bootylicious Call, which thanks to Panauh's engineering skillz is available here. That's right, baby. All kinds of treasure in these here posts.

Bootylicious Call, what up?

I was pretty thrown when I heard that his crew dug our Booty.

"They want that song? Why?"

"It made them laugh," Panauh smiled. "They also said it was catchy."

That being said, I have to bow down to my youngest brother. The kid is 19, living on his own, and kicking ass left and right.

Can you say Rick Rubin? Def Jam?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Tara Blaine of American Drivel Review is chatting with me about doing something for the magazine. I am not sure what she has in mind, but I am open to whatever she wants. I'm a fan of the Drivel, and although I don't consider myself solely a comedic writer, I am happy to be in the company of such funny, witty cats. Especially Tara. Her Hopeless Housefrau says it all.

In other news, I am reading a book recommended by Moksha entitled, Hardcore Zen, by Brad Warner. It is, shall I say, Enlightening to find a Zen master who spits it straight and lets us all know the idea of Enlightenment is useless and you're better off questioning everything and sitting a little zazen to keep you puffing on reality under the New Moon.

Oh, yes. Tonight I saw Anita Apple Bum, the cute Persian I asked out through her grandmother. She was with some other bloke. It made me remember this letter I put on her doorstep a couple months ago. I don't know if I shared it with all of you, but I figured you'd get a kick out of it now.

Isn't it funny when things are in the past?

Open Heart Surgery

My beautiful friends, Happy New Year!

How did I celebrate the Persian New Year?

I woke up early. I prayed in the four directions. I called out to the Spirit of the Sky and the Earth. I burned sage. I prayed for my friends and family. I asked Spirit to show me the light and illuminate me with it. I said I was grateful. I said I would listen. I told my great grandmother I loved her. I told my family I loved them. I told my friends I love them. I professed my love for all things.

This changed the temperature in the room. It changed the temperature at work. It changed the temperature in me. I am thankful for that. It has been an intense year for me. I got divorced, moved to a city, got a job in television, started working with children, released a comic book and record, and had to let go of all the old stories I had of who or what I was.

"You know they say divorce is one of the five leading causes to heart attacks," Nat Segaloff told me.

"Really?"

"It's all the stress."

Mmmm. This is where I understand. There has been stress in my life recently (thank you for asking, Sprigs). I spoke to Nicole last week about any possible reconciliation and she said no. It is not like this was unexpected. We have been apart for over a year. You could even say two, since we barely spoke the year prior to separating. But it still comes as a shock to me. I loved Nicole and was a good husband. I really can't understand why she would change her tune.

"This is her, not you," a shaman told me last year. "You are beautiful."

I am a good person. I know this. Of course, it is not something I have to manufacture. It's a magnetic pull deep inside me. It's gravity.

How can a person not feel that? How can a woman I loved so deeply uproot what was once love and turn from it without hesitation?

This is Nicole's story, so I can't ever know.

She has told me that she wasn't attracted to me anymore. This is what she keeps coming back to.

Not something I can really argue against. Arguing any part of it would be counter to reality, and leads to suffering. Believe me. I know. I tried to argue it while I was with her.

Why don't you want to sleep with me? I would ask. How come you don't ever want to hang out? Would you like to do something together? It's been a long time.

The questions continue along with her responses.

I think you're gay. I am not attracted to you. I didn't ever want to be married in the first place. I am not interested in you romantically.

The last statement was what I heard last Tuesday.

Again not something I am going to argue against. I told her I wished her the best, and that I would find out about getting the divorce papers filed.

"Don't hate me," she said.

"That's going to be hard," I said. "But I'll try."

She cried a bit.

I told her it was okay. She was still a good person. She didn't want to be with me. What more could we do?

So, yeah, this week has been a bit of a downer. It didn't help when the girl I was going to go on a second date with said she wasn't interested on the same day. I wasn't going to argue. I thanked her for telling me, and went about my business.

Now I am at home.

I am not mad or sad. I am simply thoughtful about relationships. They seem like such a waste after my experiences with them.

While Thomas was here, we got to chat a bit about being with other people. He was surprised when I told him I had yet to be with someone sexually who completed me.

"That's too bad, Pirooz. I am sorry for you."

That made me aware of how I have jumped into relationships with a false idea of love - a love that was based on my creation of it, rather than an actual experience of it.

Today a friend told me he was thinking of giving up art to have a life with the woman he loves.

"I get tired," he said. "There are just questions with art. Questions, questions, questions! I just want to be with my girl and live a life. Make something with her."

How beautiful, I thought.

And it is.

We don't live that long. I could die tomorrow. To have a genuine love is the greatest gift a person could have.

Of course, I don't know. I have loved without reciprocity. I have loved when there was no love. I have loved the idea of love.

I am a lover of concepts.

I despise them as well.

There, I have summed up my experience of love in two sentences.

It is strange to be an artist in love. For me at least. The women I meet are not necessarily interested in art. They are interested in other things. They want a home or family. They want to know they are appreciated. They want to communicate about their work or play.

I cannot tell a lie, says the GW in me. I have no interest in television. I have no interest in talking about American Idol. I have no interest in talking about art. I have no interest in pretending to be cordial. I don't want to fill a woman who has low self esteem. I don't want to be the person you come to for advice. I want a real partner.

Sometimes I wonder why I am not more like Picasso. I could just have lots of girls and enjoy the groupie life.

"I can't understand," Jeff's wife told me. "You're such a handsome guy. How come you don't have a girlfriend?"

Mmmm, yes. I'm alright. I have porked out a bit, but I'm alright. That is not the problem. It is my openness to love itself. I am open to being with people, but I don't know if I am all that capable. Relationships lose their interest for me. They become a lot of work, and I am up for an effortless union. I am up for working for something that gives in return.

Nicole didn't give back.

I left. It's that simple.

I don't need to explore her story with it. Mine is what mattered.

Sometimes I forget that and get bogged down with how I am not good enough. This is so yesterday and unuseful for me.

Take my friend N, for example. The other day I told her to meet Thomas and hook up with him.

"If he'll have you," I said.

"Oh, no," she said. "If I'll have him."

Another little Buddha to wake me up.

Yes, it is that simple. If I will have him or her.

Isn't it fascinating how quickly I jump the gun, because I am so desperate for approval? I will bend over backwards for a hello, when the hello's will come without any movement. They come when I am full and don't need any approval or appreciation.

God please let me lose my need for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.

Byron Katie has it right. Very hard though. For me at least. I have gotten better at letting go of the art. I don't mind so much anymore. I can take criticism. I don't flinch if someone says they don't like something. I understand it's personal taste. I understand that even I like certain works more than others. This is natural. No problem. The ladies though. What a problem.

My brother recently got a book on being abused. He said it laid down how to be in a loving relatioship again.

I look forward to reading it. Maybe, it will have answers.

In the meantime, I have all the answers. I know all it takes is asking questions. I know I have stressful thoughts around love.

So with the world watching, in the celebration of Spring, and to share my genuine love with all of you - I will perform open heart surgery.

Stressful thoughts:

1. I am too fat.
2. Nicole betrayed me.
3. My parents were poor examples of a loving relationship.
4. I can only be with a woman if I am in love.
5. Love is the only time I will sleep with a woman.
6. My job is boring.
7. I want to make art for a living.
8. I want to be at peace with myself.
9. I am hungry.
10. I have to stop smoking.
11. No one loves me.
12. I am all alone.
13. I am lonely.
14. I would like to have a friend.
15. I want to sell this book.
16. I don't want to think anymore. Why am I thinking so much?

Hilarious. Okay. Those are my stressful thoughts. Now I will question them.

1.

1. I am too fat.

Is this true? No, I am exactly what I need to be. Who would you be without this thought? I would be filled with more confidence about myself and talking to girls and not thinking about it at all and doing something useful like taking a walk or going to a museum or writing a beautiful book. Turn it around. I am not too fat. Yes, what up G money maker number five?


2. Nicole betrayed me.

Is this true? Yes, she is a fucking whore. I could shoot her with an M-16. Can you give 3 examples of how she betrayed you? 1. She didn't tell me she was unhappy in the relationship. 2. She said she was interested and then later said she wasn't. 3. She didn't want to get married in the first place.

Okay. A deep one.

She didn't tell you she was unhappy with the relationship. Is that true? No, I could tell from the get-go. Things didn't click. Okay. Who would you be without that thought? Friendly, happy, at ease. I wouldn't think about how she did something to me. I would just be. Turn it around. Nicole did tell me she was unhappy with the relationship. Is this more true? Yes, she showed with her lack of sexual enthusiasm, her lack of interest of spending time with me, and her behavior around me when I showed interest in her. Okay, so it wasn't some big surprise? No, it was clear as day. I just fought against it. Is there another turn around? I didn't tell me I was unhappy with the relationship. Yeah, I was so busy figuring her out, that I didn't figure me out. If I had truly asked myself, I would have been out of this relationship a long time ago. Is that true? You would be out a long time ago? I don't know. Yes, this is the past sweetie. We have to let it go. There is nothing you could do. Yes, thank you, Spirit. Thank you, pirooz. I know.

How about the other ones? She said she was interested and later she wasn't. Is that true? No, she may have said something, but it really didn't matter. I wasn't interested. Yes, Pirooz. You weren't. You married her because it suited your dream of marriage. She may have done the same. Yes, damn. Yes.

Now she didn't want to get married in the first place. Is that true? I don't know. That's what she said. Did you get married? Yes. Well, that answers that one. We can go deeper too. Whose business are you in? Yours or hers? Hers. Yes, what does it matter. What is your business? My business is how I felt about it. What do you mean? It felt shitty for her to say that to me. Yes, the world is shitty honey. Sometimes it is, but there is nothing we can do about it. We can only accept reality, or suffer while we try and change it. Yeah, I guess.

Why? What else is there? It still hurts though. Why can't I get rid of the hurt?

There is still a story.

Which one?

She is a bitch.

Is that true? Yes, she fucked me over.

(Wow. How brutal the mind can be?) Is that true? She fucked you over?

Yeah, she lied to me. She didn't give me what I needed. She made me waste so many years of my life.

She made you waste so many years of your life? Is that true? No. I chose to be with her. I chose to continue. Who would you be without the thought Nicole made you waste so many years of your life? I wouldn't think about her very much. I would concentrate on more important things like writing. Turn it around. Nicole did not make me waste so many years of my life. Yes, she didn't. I made me waste so many years of my life. Is that true? Yes. Can you absolutely know that it's true? No. It could have been just what I needed. Yes. Who would you be without that thought? I made me waste so many years of my life? I would be happy. I would be at ease. Yes, at ease. Turn it around. I did not waste so many years of my life. Is this more true? Yes, I did not. I learned about myself. I learned what I wanted in a relationship. I learned that I could be happy alone.

Nicole didn't want to get married in the first place. Is this true? Yes. Can you absolutely know it's true? No. We got married. I can't argue with that. Who would you be without the thought? I would be at ease. I wouldn't think about it all the time. Turn it around. Nicole did want to get married in the first place. Is this more true? Yes, we did. It's that simple. Is there another turn around? I didn't want to get married in the first place. Is this more true? I was unsure. Yes or no? Yes, I wanted to get married. I did. I wouldn't have if I didn't want to. I was hesitant, but I did it.

Okay. I have just aquired a new stressful thought. I just spoke to my father. He was pushy. He told he would get me a wife from Iran. He would collect pictures and then I would pick. This made me angry. I could appreciate that he came from love, but this idea is very stressful for me.

Why?

Becuase my parents have a knack for creating stress in my life.

Is this true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know this is true? Can you name 3 ways in which your parents have not caused you stress recently? 1. I don't live with them. 2. I haven't talked to them so much. 3. I create my own stress. So can you absolutely know this is true? Your parents create stress in your life? No. They love me. They want the best for me. They are sweet. Turn it around. My parents do not create stress in my life. No, I create stress in my life. I get sensitive when I am told things by them. I usually over react. It's not a big deal.

Why does your dad saying he will get a woman for you create stress in your life? He is in my business. It acknowledges that I am not happy with the way things are. It says I need a woman. It says that he is right. It says that I cannot be with an American woman.

All this from suggesting you try something out?

He is in your business. Is this true? Yes. I don't like it when my dad gets in my business. Is this true? Yes. What is reality? Do parents get involved in their children's business? Yes, this is what happens. You can't change reality can you? People judge. People get in each other's business? Right? Yes, this is true. So why fight reality? This is what parents do. Yes, this is true. I will not fight anymore. Turn it around. I am in his business? Mmmm. When I get mad that he is in my business and try to call him on it, then I am in his business. Yes, if he wants to suffer, this is his business not yours. It is between him and God, not you. Yes, this is reality. Thank you, God. Thank you, Pirooz.

I am not happy with the way things are.

Is this true?

Ha! Yes, this is true. I don't want to be divorced. I want to have my books sold. I want to sit at home and write everyday. I want someone to love and care for me.

Is this reality?

No. Reality is that I am divorced. Reality is I have to sell my books first. Reality is I have to work a corporate job to pay the bills. Reality is that I have all the someone I need. Me. I have to love and care for me.

Yes, how right you are.

How do I know I don't need what you want? I don't have it.

Yes, life is perfect as it is. I have all the tools to love and care for me. They are here now with these questions. They are in working and learning how to accomplish what I want. Yes.

Now why does the idea of getting a woman sent to you upset you so much?

It is chavunistic. It makes the woman a commodity.

Is that true?

I don't know.

Is it true?

If you got to talk to a woman from Iran on the internet and your family helped find someone for you. Does that make her a commodiy?

No, it doesn't. She would be given a new opportunity. She would be freed from a totalitarian regime. She would have a wonderful man.

Is this true? Whose business are you in?

Hers.

Yes. You are creating a story for a woman who does not even exist.

I don't want to get married though.

Is that true? You don't want to get married?

No, this is not true. I would like to raise a family. I would like to be a husband and a father.

What about love? What about meeting a woman and talking to her and finding out what is best for me?

How would talking to a woman on the internet in Iran be any different?

They don't know the American culture. I would have to teach them. I would have to provide for them. I would be responsible. I wouldn't be able to change my mind. It would be a lot to bring someone to a country with just a few internet chats.

Yes, this is crazy. Yes, totally so. [laughing]

Okay, now you are clear. Yes, I am.

So what can you say about dating a woman from Iran? That would be fine. If I did it here in the states myself, that might not be a bad idea. Who knows? I don't want to fly to Turkey and check out brides like my dad wants though. I don't even want to get married.

Is that true? I thought you said you did.

I do. Not now though. Maybe, in a year or so. Right now I have some other things to take care of.

What about this semi-mail-order-bride?

I have to love myself. I want to be full inside, before I am with anyone. I don't want my parents involved in my love or married life.

Is that true? Yes, who would?

Understandable. Can you absolutely know it's true that you don't want your parents involved in your married life? Well, they are my parents so I don't have to much of a choice in this matter.

You are so funny. Go on.

Yeah, I mean they are crazy. Well, not crazy, but a lot to deal with. The woman I marry would have to deal with their cultural ways. Why? Is this true?

In a way. I want to have my parents in my life. If I married someone who wasn't able to understand the immigrant lifestyle and their old backward ways, they wouldn't get along.

Whose business are you in?

Theirs.

Whose?

My parents and imaginary people.

Yes, this is true. Welcome back to reality, homeslice. Say I.

I.

Want.

Want.

Am.

Am...

I am mad at my dad because he is trying to auction me off to the highest bidder.

Is this true? Yes.

Can you absolutely know this is true? Can you give 3 example of how this is true?

He wants to get me married.

You're a regular Jane Austen.

Ha! Jane Austen wasn't auctioned off though.

Well, neither are you. Lets be clear though. Can you name 2 more examples?

He is an asshole.

Does that have anything to do with being auctioned off to the highest bidder?

No. I am just frustrated.

Okay. Lets get back on track. You say you are being auctioned off to the highest bidder, because he is trying to marry you off to solve your problems. Is this true? Yes.

There are so many things inherently wrong with this. First of all, I don't have problem that a marriage would fix.

Is this true? Your lonely, right?

Not that lonely. I could end up in a tornado of hurt.

Yes, that is possible. Help me.

Okay, Pirooz. Take it step by step. Slowly.

I am mad at myself because I want to be with someone.

Is this true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know this is true?

Yes.

I can't get with anyone though. I don't want responsibility and a marriage takes that. I want to be able to be free to be a kid, and a marriage doesn't offer that.

What is reality?

What's the truth?

You can't handle the truth!

Where is Santiago? Where did you hide the files?

Up your ASS!!!!

What's the truth?

I don't want to get my heart broken again. I don't want to betray myself again.

Is that possible? Can you know that?

No, I couldn't. Who would you be without that thought?

Someone who was willing to get their heart broken?

Visualize it. What do you look like when you have the thought "I don't want to get my heart broken again?"

I look like a Crumb comic. Like before he gets laid or something. I am in a little ball with squiggly lines coming off me, becuase I'm shaking.

Where do you feel it?

In my throat. In my back a little bit.

How do you feel without the thought?

Tired. I am ready to go to bed.

Good. What do you look like?

A newborn baby.

Seriously.

Seriously? Uh...I am walking to the library. I am doing my thang. What up?

Notice the language change?

Yes.

Okay, we are done.

What about the other ones?

Number 3 will be tomorrow.

Why are you sharing this with bloggers?

I don't know. For approval and appreciation. To make it more real for myself. Isn't it real right now? To keep a record of it. To trace it back. I don't know. Is it necessary? Do you have to share this? No. Who would you be without the thought I need to share this? I would share it for different reasons.

3. My parents were poor examples of a loving relationship.
4. I can only be with a woman if I am in love.
5. Love is the only time I will sleep with a woman.
6. My job is boring.
7. I want to make art for a living.
8. I want to be at peace with myself.
9. I am hungry.
10. I have to stop smoking.
11. No one loves me.
12. I am all alone.
13. I am lonely.
14. I would like to have a friend.
15. I want to sell this book.
16. I don't want to think anymore. Why am I thinking so much?


Where we left off? A list. A laundry list of questions to ask the mind. Will our superhero find stillness? Will he be a samurai? Will he taste Foo Do Shin?

Who knows? He does have a cape though.

Combat boots too.


3. My parents were poor examples of a loving relationship.



Is this true? Your parent were poor examples of a loving relationship? Can you give me 3 examples where this is true?

1. They fought all the time.

When? Now? Recently? Lets be specific.

Mmmm. Yes, my parents were not the best examples of a loving relationship. This is true.

Well, the world is not fair. What can you do? Whose business is that?

Theirs.

Yes. Not yours.

Thank you, Spirit. Than you, God.


4. I can only be with a woman if I am in love.

Is this true? No, I have been with many women who I did not love.

Okay.


5. Love is the only time I will sleep with a woman.

Is this true?

No. I would sleep with a woman if I was horny. I would sleep with a woman if it was offered. I would sleep with a woman for money.

You are so funny.

Dude, haven't you seen that movie with Robert Redford and Demi Moore?

Okay, funny guy.

Who would you be without the thought "I can only sleep with a woman if I'm in love?" I would be more relaxed. I would be willing to explore my sexual side. I would be less concerned. I would be happy.

Yes. Turn it around.

I can sleep with a woman if I'm not in love.

Sure, why not? By being open you just might find a deeper love than you ever thought possible.

Beautiful. So true, Pirooz. Thank you.

Your Welcome.


6. My job is boring.

Is this true? Your jobs are boring.

Sometimes.

That's reality sucker. Move on. Nothing is exciting all the time.

But I want to write for a living.

Welcome to reality. Who does?

Not me.

Yes, not you right now. Get clear.

Thank you.


7. I want to make art for a living.

I don't know.

I love that answer. Come back to it.

Okay.


8. I want to be at peace with myself.

Is this true? Not so far [laughing]

No, not yet.

Who would you be without that thought?

Relaxed and carefree. I would be me.

Mmmm.

Yes.


9. I am hungry.

Is this true?

A little bit. I could eat something. It would be nice.


10. I have to stop smoking.

Is this true?

No.

Who would you be without this thought?

More inclined to stop smoking.

Yes, no one likes to be told what to do, not even by your own mind.

How true!

Yes.

Thank you.

YOUr welcome. You are so polite.

No, you are.

Next.


11. No one loves me.

Is this true?

No.

Who would you be without this thought?

I would be loving me.

Turn it aroud.

Everyone loves me. Is this more true?

Or they are on their way.

Another turn around?

I don't love me.

Yes, when I have this thought I don't love myself. It is very violent.


12. I am all alone.

Is this true?

No.

Who would you be without this thought?

Happy. content.

Turn it around.

I am not all alone. Is this more true?

Yes, I am constantly surrounded by people.


13. I am lonely.

Is this true?

How funny! You are going to be alone until you die. You are stuck in this body. These questions are funny. Are you lonely?

Yes, when I don't realize that I am alone all the time.

Yes, your little body. That's it. Have fun.

Okay.

Turn it around.

I am not lonely. I am the same. I am in my body. It is a good place to be. I can sing songs. I can work my digestion. I have a lot of organ to hang with. What up, G?


14. I would like to have a friend.

Is this true?

I have a hundred friends, but a few more wouldn't hurt. I would like to have a friend I could communicate on a very deep level.

Don't you have this everyday?

Yes.

So why do you need more?

I don't. Everything is perfect. Yes.

Who would you be without the thought "I need a friend?"

I would be available to be on a deeper level with the friends that are with me now.

Yes, homeslice. You are so cool.


15. I want to sell this book.

Is this true?

Yes. It would be nice.

What have you done to make it happen?

I got an agent. I dropped him to get into the magazine. I looked for other agents, and now I am checking out publishers.

Is there anything more you could be doing?

I could research more and talk to people; network my way down different avenues.

Yes, television has taught you that.

It's easy. Roll with it.

Things will come. Be patient.

Yes, thank you, Pirooz. You are really kicking ass.

Yeah, it feels great. Thanks.


16. I don't want to think anymore.

Is this true?

No. I will think. It is what humans do.

Yes, you have a mind. It works. It doesn't turn off. It can only get still.

Yes.

How do you feel now?

Pretty quiet.

Yes.

I could smoke a cigarette.

Go ahead. Why not? You're addicted.

That's true.

Thank you, Pirooz for doing this with me.

It's my pleasure P. I love you. I will see you on the flip okay?

Yeah, totally.

To listen to the work done in another format visit Byron Katie's website at www.thework.org.

Best Wishes and Happy New Year,

Pirooz M. Kalayeh

Dirty Laundry

Tonight was another sad one for the record books. Not sure what's going on. I picked up an old copy of Basketball Diaries, and started plowing through. Pretty soon, the idea of sniffing glue or shooting up sounded attranctive. This was scary and exciting. I have not touched drugs or alcohol in a very long time. But these days there is a big pain, and I can see myself drinking into oblivion.

I remember when I worked at the liquor store in Boulder. I felt bad about giving the homeless alcohol. I even felt sick about giving anyone alcohol. Then a friend laid it to me straight: "You don't know what kind of suffering a person's going through."

I heard the advice then, and I wonder if it's some I need to take myself. I have been afraid to go near alcohol. I have not ever needed it. But, these days, I can see myself drowning in it.

It is so hard to lose a wife.

It would help if I didn't love her. It would help if I could pretend alcohol made a difference. It would help if I could drive into oblivion.

I don't though. I sit with it.

At work, people call me Mr. Rogers (I take off my shoes and all). Larry also does impersonations of me: "I'm Pirooz. I write books. La de da de dah!"

It's all in good fun. It's also pretty on the nose. I might as well work for PBS right?

Last night I talked to the ex-wife and she said I was such a good person and so strong, that whenever I ever came to her with a problem, it freaked her the fuck out.

"So only you could come with your problems," I say. "There was no room for me."

"Yeah," she says.

"I'm vulnerable and fragile like everyone else," I say.

"Yeah," she says. "But no one wants to hear that from you. It scares them. They're like, 'if he can't deal with life, then how can I?' "

This made me want to be flawed. This made me want to scream out loud.

"I am not perfect," I say.

"But if all you give is your strong side, then the other side is going to throw people off. "

I think about this. It strikes a chord. She speaks some truth. I do tend to be asked for advice a lot. I like giving it, if I know anything about the pain, etc. It might be better to keep my mouth shut though. But, if I keep my mouth shut, then who am I? It seems counter to what I am.

I am me. Does anyone understand that?

I certainly don't. I don't understand a thing these days. I don't get that someone loves you, but doesn't want to be with you. I don't get that one at all.

Whatever. This is very secret journaling stuff. But I figure I got to let everyone know that I am hurting. I am hoping this will let me see it in a new light.

What else?

It's strange. I have spent about 3 years alone now. Before, I wrote books, and so my time was filled with the beauty of me and my characters. That reality was much more real than this one.

I also think about Byron Katie's statement: "How do I know I don't need what I want? I don't have it."

I wonder how soon before I go crazy. That statement makes me crazy.

I went and met Byron Katie. Did I tell you? I gave her a copy of "...Strategies." Well, her assistants. She was very sweet, tough, and nice. I do believe she is the real deal for her, but I don't think it really works for me.

Spiritually, I have followed the Sufis. No rules. I know on the other end is something else. They attract me though. Those stories attract me. Yes, the stories attract me.

I know this day will die like all the others. I am here feeling it with you. It reminds me of when an old girlfriend and I had to get an abortion, and then I had to go play a show. I felt so horrible. There was a lot of guilt.

Do I feel guilty about something?

No, I am sad and lonely. Mmmm. Basketball Diaries. That is amazing. Reading this book brings back those old feelings. They have been there all the time. I am looking at them now. Mmmm. Yes, I am suicidal at times. No, big deal. Everyone has tough days. Drugs. Yes...

Do I want to do drugs? It might be interesting. It would be very different now. I don't need it though. Maybe, some tabs of e and 4 hot babes. Ah!

Who is this? What is this?

Mmmm... Hey, dude. I missed you. It's me, guys. It's Pirooz at 23. He is back. He is hanging out. Hold on...

Now it all makes sense. All these young chicks hungry for the MoJo. Rock star Pirooz is back. Actor Pirooz is back. Wow. What do I do?

"Dude, take me out to a party? Lets go have fun."

"It's okay. You can have fun in other ways. I am going to get a hot chocolate. I will drink a glass of wine. I will buy you a book."

"The kandinsky book?"

"Yes."

"Now?"

"Okay."

Caveh Zahedi, Sainthood & Artistry: July 23-31

The truth is that we are all manifestations of the genius of God. The artist is no different than anyone else except insofar as he is closer to the source of his Being. But today, the artist has acquired the status of a saint, and the culture of celebrity has become our new religion. Only instead of a panoply of saints, known for their virtue and good works, we have movie stars and rock stars as religious icons. These people are worshiped not because of their spirituality or wisdom, but rather because they enable us to project a more grandiose image of ourselves, namely that, like them, we too can be more important and powerful than we actually feel ourselves to be.

— Caveh Zahedi

The film, narrated and starred in by the director, documents a sex addict’s journey through recovery. Zahedi begins with his first soulful relationship, and then proceeds through the other major relationships in his life, trying in each depiction to discover the source of his problem and ways in which to diffuse it. His final barbaric yalp and break from addiction coalesces with his ability to hear a more beautiful song than what the Sirens were singing. This moment of epiphany was what intrigued me about the film. I wanted to know what made Zahedi break from his addiction. I knew it was something beyond a metaphor. I knew it was what each of us searches for in our artistry, daily jobs, family experiences, etc. It was at the core of I AM A SEX ADDICT. It was also at the core of this beautiful artist.



Pirooz Kalayeh: At the L.A. screening, you said you weren’t happy with the ‘sirens metaphor,’ but that this was the closest you had come to creating your transitional moment away from sexual addiction. You also mentioned certain ‘spiritual experiences,’ which lead you to your present moment of stability. Were you afraid to present these spiritual experiences as part of the film, and therefore, used the ‘sirens metaphor,’ or was it just too detailed of an experience to add?

Caveh Zahedi: My initial impulse was to use the word "God" in talking about my spiritual transformation. But I didn't want to alienate viewers who identify that word exclusively with the "God" of organized religion. The Sirens metaphor was therefore a way to talk about spirituality without alienating viewers who identified themselves as atheists or agnostics or even Buddhists. In other words, I wanted my spiritual transformation to be as all-inclusive as possible, and to allow people to interpret it in their own way and through the lens of their own experiences.

PK: Yes, I hear that. It reminds me of your experience with the clairvoyant. She told you that a reading on the future of “…Sex Addict” would actually misalign the possibilities, and that an omission would place you closer to the truth, and to a further extent, in right relationship with spirit, creator, etc.

Was this a further reason not to make a spiritual commentary? That, possibly, like the clairvoyant, your omission of an exact spiritual transcendence, would leave an empty canvas for other addicts to discover their own journey to peace?

CZ: Yes, exactly.


PK: It is a huge undertaking to be in right relationship. It is a saint’s act. Are you aiming for sainthood or artistry? Is there even a separation for you?

CZ: I don't see a fundamental separation between sainthood and artistry. I believe that spirituality has an aesthetic dimension, and is, in a very real sense, "beautiful." I also believe that art has a spiritual dimension. My interest is in eradicating the distinction between these two pursuits.

PK: Was this intention in mind when you wrote "...Sex Addict" or was it something that you discovered at the end of the experience?

CZ: I've believed in the essential oneness of spirituality and art for a long time. It was my intention to try to express this through "I Am A Sex Addict" from the start. In Hindu Philosophy, there's something called "The Left Hand of God" which is basically the path of sin as the fastest path to enlightenment. I've always thought about "I Am A Sex Addict" as an instance of "The Left Hand of God" path towards spirituality.




PK: Fascinating. I didn't see the sexual exchanges between prostitutes in "I AM A SEX ADDICT" as sinful. And now that you say your intention was to reach enlightenment through sin, it just diffuses the sexual acts even further. Isn't it intention that makes something sin? Yours is to align spirituality with your artistry. It is to proceed through "The Left Hand of God" process. With such a precursor, how can your sexual acts be sin?

CZ: I don't think that sexual acts are sins. In fact, I don't believe in the idea of sin. What I meant by "sin" was acting out of harmony with one's essential nature, or rather, misperceiving one's essential nature. But there is such a thing as one's dark side, and I think that one has to go through one's dark side to become fully integrated. In this sense, "I Am A Sex Addict," like Dante's "Inferno," is about exploring the dark side to get to the light.



PK: Have you shown the film to sex addicts or have any approached you after screenings? Did they see a light? What was their reaction? And what was yours to them?

CZ: I haven't formally shown the film to sex addicts, but after almost every screening, someone comes up to me and confides that they, too, have a sexual addiction problem. These people have always been very touched by the film and very glad that I made it.

PK: I am glad you did as well. It is such a beautiful film. Thank you for sharing it with me and the world.


Caveh Zahedi began making films while studying philosophy at Yale University. After graduating from Yale, he made several attmepts to work in the French film community and then began film school at UCLA. There, he met and began collaborating with Greg Watkins. Together, they co-directed A Little Stiff, which premeired at the Sundance Film Festival, and aired on both German television and the Sundance Channel. Mr. Zahedi's next film, I Don't Hate Las Vegas Anymore, won him the Critics' Award at the Rotterdam Film Festival and went on to develop a cult following. He then went on to direct In the Buthtub of the World, a one year video diary, which airred on the Independent Film Channel and was eventually released on DVD. Mr. Zahedi lives and works in San Francisco.

To learn more about Caveh’s latest projects or to catch a screening of I AM A SEX ADDICT in the states or abroad please visit www.cavehzahedi.com

OTHER LINKS

Funky
Green Article
CineClub

To Blog Or Not To Blog

He Speaks
Originally uploaded by piroozkalayeh.

In response to Jim Goar

I woke up this morning thinking about Sean's issue of Jim Goar not sounding like Jim Goar on his blog. Then I thought, "Well, what about premeditation? Does thinking about what you are going to write change what is being written? What if there was no filter?"

There may be something to this.

In a recent conversation with my brother, Paiman, he was describing to me his experience of "speaking truth." He believed that if he thought about what he was going to say before - let's say he was talking to a beautiful woman or his employer - it would not carry the same emotional integrity. He would be too busy judging himself or the other person to truly be present, and give a genuine response.

I have tried to stop my mind in certain situations, or watched when it ran off during conversations. I noticed that I was quick to create something to say, when I may not have any response whatsoever. Is this an uncomfortability with silence? My own incapability to be a good listener? Or is this simply a matter of approval?

In Byron Katie's latest book, "I Need Your Love - Is That True?", she maps how it is natural for human beings to seek approval. We want to feel loved. We need to know that it is there waiting for us.

For Katie, The Work in reversing this pattern is to question that need.

"Is that true?" she would say. "Take it to inquiry."

The product being a reversal of outside love, to a stronger, internal love.

I have found this very difficult. There are countless times when I seek approval from others. I can think of countless examples: "Listen to this poem" or "No, I like your shirt. Really" or "Do you like my blog."

Of course, I am human. To reverse something that has been set into motion by my environment, my cultural upbringing, and my personal integration of the world around me, is a slow, heart-wrenching process.

I do catch myself though, and that is a great moment for me. I stop myself when I am looking for approval, and have now started asking, "Do I need it?"

I think Sean's question is rooted in this concept for me. I hear him when he says someone does not sound themselves while blogging. I also hear that I do not need his approval, nor anyone else's. I am doing this for my own personal satisfaction. I like being a part of the world. I enjoy drawing little pictures to accompany text. This is why I blog.

As far as the rest of the world, I am sure you have your own reasons.

This concept of unedited dialogue also brings up another point for me as a writer - Do I edit? Is there something to spontaneous prose? Is writing a different reality so it doesn't matter? Is it just premeditated and there's nothing I can do about it? Is writing more genuine than speaking?

I don't know. I do know that the only writing I value is the writing that comes from "being in the zone" as Jim calls it. It takes a while to get there, but when I'm there, everything falls away. It's just me. No one else. (Marlowe had an interesting quote about this. Hopefully, he will see this and post it.)

See. I just did it. I was hoping Marlowe would see this and post. I am not in the zone, or I could say, "I am not in the creative writing zone." If I was, there would be no filter. I wouldn't be thinking about anything. I would just write.

I am new to this though. I am going to give myself a break. I am also more interested in connecting with people, and having discussions, rather than read long passages of fiction or prose. I am interested to see who else is thinking along similar pages. I want to steal an idea here and there. I want to feel the pulse of the world.