Open Heart Surgery

My beautiful friends, Happy New Year!

How did I celebrate the Persian New Year?

I woke up early. I prayed in the four directions. I called out to the Spirit of the Sky and the Earth. I burned sage. I prayed for my friends and family. I asked Spirit to show me the light and illuminate me with it. I said I was grateful. I said I would listen. I told my great grandmother I loved her. I told my family I loved them. I told my friends I love them. I professed my love for all things.

This changed the temperature in the room. It changed the temperature at work. It changed the temperature in me. I am thankful for that. It has been an intense year for me. I got divorced, moved to a city, got a job in television, started working with children, released a comic book and record, and had to let go of all the old stories I had of who or what I was.

"You know they say divorce is one of the five leading causes to heart attacks," Nat Segaloff told me.

"Really?"

"It's all the stress."

Mmmm. This is where I understand. There has been stress in my life recently (thank you for asking, Sprigs). I spoke to Nicole last week about any possible reconciliation and she said no. It is not like this was unexpected. We have been apart for over a year. You could even say two, since we barely spoke the year prior to separating. But it still comes as a shock to me. I loved Nicole and was a good husband. I really can't understand why she would change her tune.

"This is her, not you," a shaman told me last year. "You are beautiful."

I am a good person. I know this. Of course, it is not something I have to manufacture. It's a magnetic pull deep inside me. It's gravity.

How can a person not feel that? How can a woman I loved so deeply uproot what was once love and turn from it without hesitation?

This is Nicole's story, so I can't ever know.

She has told me that she wasn't attracted to me anymore. This is what she keeps coming back to.

Not something I can really argue against. Arguing any part of it would be counter to reality, and leads to suffering. Believe me. I know. I tried to argue it while I was with her.

Why don't you want to sleep with me? I would ask. How come you don't ever want to hang out? Would you like to do something together? It's been a long time.

The questions continue along with her responses.

I think you're gay. I am not attracted to you. I didn't ever want to be married in the first place. I am not interested in you romantically.

The last statement was what I heard last Tuesday.

Again not something I am going to argue against. I told her I wished her the best, and that I would find out about getting the divorce papers filed.

"Don't hate me," she said.

"That's going to be hard," I said. "But I'll try."

She cried a bit.

I told her it was okay. She was still a good person. She didn't want to be with me. What more could we do?

So, yeah, this week has been a bit of a downer. It didn't help when the girl I was going to go on a second date with said she wasn't interested on the same day. I wasn't going to argue. I thanked her for telling me, and went about my business.

Now I am at home.

I am not mad or sad. I am simply thoughtful about relationships. They seem like such a waste after my experiences with them.

While Thomas was here, we got to chat a bit about being with other people. He was surprised when I told him I had yet to be with someone sexually who completed me.

"That's too bad, Pirooz. I am sorry for you."

That made me aware of how I have jumped into relationships with a false idea of love - a love that was based on my creation of it, rather than an actual experience of it.

Today a friend told me he was thinking of giving up art to have a life with the woman he loves.

"I get tired," he said. "There are just questions with art. Questions, questions, questions! I just want to be with my girl and live a life. Make something with her."

How beautiful, I thought.

And it is.

We don't live that long. I could die tomorrow. To have a genuine love is the greatest gift a person could have.

Of course, I don't know. I have loved without reciprocity. I have loved when there was no love. I have loved the idea of love.

I am a lover of concepts.

I despise them as well.

There, I have summed up my experience of love in two sentences.

It is strange to be an artist in love. For me at least. The women I meet are not necessarily interested in art. They are interested in other things. They want a home or family. They want to know they are appreciated. They want to communicate about their work or play.

I cannot tell a lie, says the GW in me. I have no interest in television. I have no interest in talking about American Idol. I have no interest in talking about art. I have no interest in pretending to be cordial. I don't want to fill a woman who has low self esteem. I don't want to be the person you come to for advice. I want a real partner.

Sometimes I wonder why I am not more like Picasso. I could just have lots of girls and enjoy the groupie life.

"I can't understand," Jeff's wife told me. "You're such a handsome guy. How come you don't have a girlfriend?"

Mmmm, yes. I'm alright. I have porked out a bit, but I'm alright. That is not the problem. It is my openness to love itself. I am open to being with people, but I don't know if I am all that capable. Relationships lose their interest for me. They become a lot of work, and I am up for an effortless union. I am up for working for something that gives in return.

Nicole didn't give back.

I left. It's that simple.

I don't need to explore her story with it. Mine is what mattered.

Sometimes I forget that and get bogged down with how I am not good enough. This is so yesterday and unuseful for me.

Take my friend N, for example. The other day I told her to meet Thomas and hook up with him.

"If he'll have you," I said.

"Oh, no," she said. "If I'll have him."

Another little Buddha to wake me up.

Yes, it is that simple. If I will have him or her.

Isn't it fascinating how quickly I jump the gun, because I am so desperate for approval? I will bend over backwards for a hello, when the hello's will come without any movement. They come when I am full and don't need any approval or appreciation.

God please let me lose my need for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.

Byron Katie has it right. Very hard though. For me at least. I have gotten better at letting go of the art. I don't mind so much anymore. I can take criticism. I don't flinch if someone says they don't like something. I understand it's personal taste. I understand that even I like certain works more than others. This is natural. No problem. The ladies though. What a problem.

My brother recently got a book on being abused. He said it laid down how to be in a loving relatioship again.

I look forward to reading it. Maybe, it will have answers.

In the meantime, I have all the answers. I know all it takes is asking questions. I know I have stressful thoughts around love.

So with the world watching, in the celebration of Spring, and to share my genuine love with all of you - I will perform open heart surgery.

Stressful thoughts:

1. I am too fat.
2. Nicole betrayed me.
3. My parents were poor examples of a loving relationship.
4. I can only be with a woman if I am in love.
5. Love is the only time I will sleep with a woman.
6. My job is boring.
7. I want to make art for a living.
8. I want to be at peace with myself.
9. I am hungry.
10. I have to stop smoking.
11. No one loves me.
12. I am all alone.
13. I am lonely.
14. I would like to have a friend.
15. I want to sell this book.
16. I don't want to think anymore. Why am I thinking so much?

Hilarious. Okay. Those are my stressful thoughts. Now I will question them.

1.

1. I am too fat.

Is this true? No, I am exactly what I need to be. Who would you be without this thought? I would be filled with more confidence about myself and talking to girls and not thinking about it at all and doing something useful like taking a walk or going to a museum or writing a beautiful book. Turn it around. I am not too fat. Yes, what up G money maker number five?


2. Nicole betrayed me.

Is this true? Yes, she is a fucking whore. I could shoot her with an M-16. Can you give 3 examples of how she betrayed you? 1. She didn't tell me she was unhappy in the relationship. 2. She said she was interested and then later said she wasn't. 3. She didn't want to get married in the first place.

Okay. A deep one.

She didn't tell you she was unhappy with the relationship. Is that true? No, I could tell from the get-go. Things didn't click. Okay. Who would you be without that thought? Friendly, happy, at ease. I wouldn't think about how she did something to me. I would just be. Turn it around. Nicole did tell me she was unhappy with the relationship. Is this more true? Yes, she showed with her lack of sexual enthusiasm, her lack of interest of spending time with me, and her behavior around me when I showed interest in her. Okay, so it wasn't some big surprise? No, it was clear as day. I just fought against it. Is there another turn around? I didn't tell me I was unhappy with the relationship. Yeah, I was so busy figuring her out, that I didn't figure me out. If I had truly asked myself, I would have been out of this relationship a long time ago. Is that true? You would be out a long time ago? I don't know. Yes, this is the past sweetie. We have to let it go. There is nothing you could do. Yes, thank you, Spirit. Thank you, pirooz. I know.

How about the other ones? She said she was interested and later she wasn't. Is that true? No, she may have said something, but it really didn't matter. I wasn't interested. Yes, Pirooz. You weren't. You married her because it suited your dream of marriage. She may have done the same. Yes, damn. Yes.

Now she didn't want to get married in the first place. Is that true? I don't know. That's what she said. Did you get married? Yes. Well, that answers that one. We can go deeper too. Whose business are you in? Yours or hers? Hers. Yes, what does it matter. What is your business? My business is how I felt about it. What do you mean? It felt shitty for her to say that to me. Yes, the world is shitty honey. Sometimes it is, but there is nothing we can do about it. We can only accept reality, or suffer while we try and change it. Yeah, I guess.

Why? What else is there? It still hurts though. Why can't I get rid of the hurt?

There is still a story.

Which one?

She is a bitch.

Is that true? Yes, she fucked me over.

(Wow. How brutal the mind can be?) Is that true? She fucked you over?

Yeah, she lied to me. She didn't give me what I needed. She made me waste so many years of my life.

She made you waste so many years of your life? Is that true? No. I chose to be with her. I chose to continue. Who would you be without the thought Nicole made you waste so many years of your life? I wouldn't think about her very much. I would concentrate on more important things like writing. Turn it around. Nicole did not make me waste so many years of my life. Yes, she didn't. I made me waste so many years of my life. Is that true? Yes. Can you absolutely know that it's true? No. It could have been just what I needed. Yes. Who would you be without that thought? I made me waste so many years of my life? I would be happy. I would be at ease. Yes, at ease. Turn it around. I did not waste so many years of my life. Is this more true? Yes, I did not. I learned about myself. I learned what I wanted in a relationship. I learned that I could be happy alone.

Nicole didn't want to get married in the first place. Is this true? Yes. Can you absolutely know it's true? No. We got married. I can't argue with that. Who would you be without the thought? I would be at ease. I wouldn't think about it all the time. Turn it around. Nicole did want to get married in the first place. Is this more true? Yes, we did. It's that simple. Is there another turn around? I didn't want to get married in the first place. Is this more true? I was unsure. Yes or no? Yes, I wanted to get married. I did. I wouldn't have if I didn't want to. I was hesitant, but I did it.

Okay. I have just aquired a new stressful thought. I just spoke to my father. He was pushy. He told he would get me a wife from Iran. He would collect pictures and then I would pick. This made me angry. I could appreciate that he came from love, but this idea is very stressful for me.

Why?

Becuase my parents have a knack for creating stress in my life.

Is this true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know this is true? Can you name 3 ways in which your parents have not caused you stress recently? 1. I don't live with them. 2. I haven't talked to them so much. 3. I create my own stress. So can you absolutely know this is true? Your parents create stress in your life? No. They love me. They want the best for me. They are sweet. Turn it around. My parents do not create stress in my life. No, I create stress in my life. I get sensitive when I am told things by them. I usually over react. It's not a big deal.

Why does your dad saying he will get a woman for you create stress in your life? He is in my business. It acknowledges that I am not happy with the way things are. It says I need a woman. It says that he is right. It says that I cannot be with an American woman.

All this from suggesting you try something out?

He is in your business. Is this true? Yes. I don't like it when my dad gets in my business. Is this true? Yes. What is reality? Do parents get involved in their children's business? Yes, this is what happens. You can't change reality can you? People judge. People get in each other's business? Right? Yes, this is true. So why fight reality? This is what parents do. Yes, this is true. I will not fight anymore. Turn it around. I am in his business? Mmmm. When I get mad that he is in my business and try to call him on it, then I am in his business. Yes, if he wants to suffer, this is his business not yours. It is between him and God, not you. Yes, this is reality. Thank you, God. Thank you, Pirooz.

I am not happy with the way things are.

Is this true?

Ha! Yes, this is true. I don't want to be divorced. I want to have my books sold. I want to sit at home and write everyday. I want someone to love and care for me.

Is this reality?

No. Reality is that I am divorced. Reality is I have to sell my books first. Reality is I have to work a corporate job to pay the bills. Reality is that I have all the someone I need. Me. I have to love and care for me.

Yes, how right you are.

How do I know I don't need what you want? I don't have it.

Yes, life is perfect as it is. I have all the tools to love and care for me. They are here now with these questions. They are in working and learning how to accomplish what I want. Yes.

Now why does the idea of getting a woman sent to you upset you so much?

It is chavunistic. It makes the woman a commodity.

Is that true?

I don't know.

Is it true?

If you got to talk to a woman from Iran on the internet and your family helped find someone for you. Does that make her a commodiy?

No, it doesn't. She would be given a new opportunity. She would be freed from a totalitarian regime. She would have a wonderful man.

Is this true? Whose business are you in?

Hers.

Yes. You are creating a story for a woman who does not even exist.

I don't want to get married though.

Is that true? You don't want to get married?

No, this is not true. I would like to raise a family. I would like to be a husband and a father.

What about love? What about meeting a woman and talking to her and finding out what is best for me?

How would talking to a woman on the internet in Iran be any different?

They don't know the American culture. I would have to teach them. I would have to provide for them. I would be responsible. I wouldn't be able to change my mind. It would be a lot to bring someone to a country with just a few internet chats.

Yes, this is crazy. Yes, totally so. [laughing]

Okay, now you are clear. Yes, I am.

So what can you say about dating a woman from Iran? That would be fine. If I did it here in the states myself, that might not be a bad idea. Who knows? I don't want to fly to Turkey and check out brides like my dad wants though. I don't even want to get married.

Is that true? I thought you said you did.

I do. Not now though. Maybe, in a year or so. Right now I have some other things to take care of.

What about this semi-mail-order-bride?

I have to love myself. I want to be full inside, before I am with anyone. I don't want my parents involved in my love or married life.

Is that true? Yes, who would?

Understandable. Can you absolutely know it's true that you don't want your parents involved in your married life? Well, they are my parents so I don't have to much of a choice in this matter.

You are so funny. Go on.

Yeah, I mean they are crazy. Well, not crazy, but a lot to deal with. The woman I marry would have to deal with their cultural ways. Why? Is this true?

In a way. I want to have my parents in my life. If I married someone who wasn't able to understand the immigrant lifestyle and their old backward ways, they wouldn't get along.

Whose business are you in?

Theirs.

Whose?

My parents and imaginary people.

Yes, this is true. Welcome back to reality, homeslice. Say I.

I.

Want.

Want.

Am.

Am...

I am mad at my dad because he is trying to auction me off to the highest bidder.

Is this true? Yes.

Can you absolutely know this is true? Can you give 3 example of how this is true?

He wants to get me married.

You're a regular Jane Austen.

Ha! Jane Austen wasn't auctioned off though.

Well, neither are you. Lets be clear though. Can you name 2 more examples?

He is an asshole.

Does that have anything to do with being auctioned off to the highest bidder?

No. I am just frustrated.

Okay. Lets get back on track. You say you are being auctioned off to the highest bidder, because he is trying to marry you off to solve your problems. Is this true? Yes.

There are so many things inherently wrong with this. First of all, I don't have problem that a marriage would fix.

Is this true? Your lonely, right?

Not that lonely. I could end up in a tornado of hurt.

Yes, that is possible. Help me.

Okay, Pirooz. Take it step by step. Slowly.

I am mad at myself because I want to be with someone.

Is this true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know this is true?

Yes.

I can't get with anyone though. I don't want responsibility and a marriage takes that. I want to be able to be free to be a kid, and a marriage doesn't offer that.

What is reality?

What's the truth?

You can't handle the truth!

Where is Santiago? Where did you hide the files?

Up your ASS!!!!

What's the truth?

I don't want to get my heart broken again. I don't want to betray myself again.

Is that possible? Can you know that?

No, I couldn't. Who would you be without that thought?

Someone who was willing to get their heart broken?

Visualize it. What do you look like when you have the thought "I don't want to get my heart broken again?"

I look like a Crumb comic. Like before he gets laid or something. I am in a little ball with squiggly lines coming off me, becuase I'm shaking.

Where do you feel it?

In my throat. In my back a little bit.

How do you feel without the thought?

Tired. I am ready to go to bed.

Good. What do you look like?

A newborn baby.

Seriously.

Seriously? Uh...I am walking to the library. I am doing my thang. What up?

Notice the language change?

Yes.

Okay, we are done.

What about the other ones?

Number 3 will be tomorrow.

Why are you sharing this with bloggers?

I don't know. For approval and appreciation. To make it more real for myself. Isn't it real right now? To keep a record of it. To trace it back. I don't know. Is it necessary? Do you have to share this? No. Who would you be without the thought I need to share this? I would share it for different reasons.

3. My parents were poor examples of a loving relationship.
4. I can only be with a woman if I am in love.
5. Love is the only time I will sleep with a woman.
6. My job is boring.
7. I want to make art for a living.
8. I want to be at peace with myself.
9. I am hungry.
10. I have to stop smoking.
11. No one loves me.
12. I am all alone.
13. I am lonely.
14. I would like to have a friend.
15. I want to sell this book.
16. I don't want to think anymore. Why am I thinking so much?


Where we left off? A list. A laundry list of questions to ask the mind. Will our superhero find stillness? Will he be a samurai? Will he taste Foo Do Shin?

Who knows? He does have a cape though.

Combat boots too.


3. My parents were poor examples of a loving relationship.



Is this true? Your parent were poor examples of a loving relationship? Can you give me 3 examples where this is true?

1. They fought all the time.

When? Now? Recently? Lets be specific.

Mmmm. Yes, my parents were not the best examples of a loving relationship. This is true.

Well, the world is not fair. What can you do? Whose business is that?

Theirs.

Yes. Not yours.

Thank you, Spirit. Than you, God.


4. I can only be with a woman if I am in love.

Is this true? No, I have been with many women who I did not love.

Okay.


5. Love is the only time I will sleep with a woman.

Is this true?

No. I would sleep with a woman if I was horny. I would sleep with a woman if it was offered. I would sleep with a woman for money.

You are so funny.

Dude, haven't you seen that movie with Robert Redford and Demi Moore?

Okay, funny guy.

Who would you be without the thought "I can only sleep with a woman if I'm in love?" I would be more relaxed. I would be willing to explore my sexual side. I would be less concerned. I would be happy.

Yes. Turn it around.

I can sleep with a woman if I'm not in love.

Sure, why not? By being open you just might find a deeper love than you ever thought possible.

Beautiful. So true, Pirooz. Thank you.

Your Welcome.


6. My job is boring.

Is this true? Your jobs are boring.

Sometimes.

That's reality sucker. Move on. Nothing is exciting all the time.

But I want to write for a living.

Welcome to reality. Who does?

Not me.

Yes, not you right now. Get clear.

Thank you.


7. I want to make art for a living.

I don't know.

I love that answer. Come back to it.

Okay.


8. I want to be at peace with myself.

Is this true? Not so far [laughing]

No, not yet.

Who would you be without that thought?

Relaxed and carefree. I would be me.

Mmmm.

Yes.


9. I am hungry.

Is this true?

A little bit. I could eat something. It would be nice.


10. I have to stop smoking.

Is this true?

No.

Who would you be without this thought?

More inclined to stop smoking.

Yes, no one likes to be told what to do, not even by your own mind.

How true!

Yes.

Thank you.

YOUr welcome. You are so polite.

No, you are.

Next.


11. No one loves me.

Is this true?

No.

Who would you be without this thought?

I would be loving me.

Turn it aroud.

Everyone loves me. Is this more true?

Or they are on their way.

Another turn around?

I don't love me.

Yes, when I have this thought I don't love myself. It is very violent.


12. I am all alone.

Is this true?

No.

Who would you be without this thought?

Happy. content.

Turn it around.

I am not all alone. Is this more true?

Yes, I am constantly surrounded by people.


13. I am lonely.

Is this true?

How funny! You are going to be alone until you die. You are stuck in this body. These questions are funny. Are you lonely?

Yes, when I don't realize that I am alone all the time.

Yes, your little body. That's it. Have fun.

Okay.

Turn it around.

I am not lonely. I am the same. I am in my body. It is a good place to be. I can sing songs. I can work my digestion. I have a lot of organ to hang with. What up, G?


14. I would like to have a friend.

Is this true?

I have a hundred friends, but a few more wouldn't hurt. I would like to have a friend I could communicate on a very deep level.

Don't you have this everyday?

Yes.

So why do you need more?

I don't. Everything is perfect. Yes.

Who would you be without the thought "I need a friend?"

I would be available to be on a deeper level with the friends that are with me now.

Yes, homeslice. You are so cool.


15. I want to sell this book.

Is this true?

Yes. It would be nice.

What have you done to make it happen?

I got an agent. I dropped him to get into the magazine. I looked for other agents, and now I am checking out publishers.

Is there anything more you could be doing?

I could research more and talk to people; network my way down different avenues.

Yes, television has taught you that.

It's easy. Roll with it.

Things will come. Be patient.

Yes, thank you, Pirooz. You are really kicking ass.

Yeah, it feels great. Thanks.


16. I don't want to think anymore.

Is this true?

No. I will think. It is what humans do.

Yes, you have a mind. It works. It doesn't turn off. It can only get still.

Yes.

How do you feel now?

Pretty quiet.

Yes.

I could smoke a cigarette.

Go ahead. Why not? You're addicted.

That's true.

Thank you, Pirooz for doing this with me.

It's my pleasure P. I love you. I will see you on the flip okay?

Yeah, totally.

To listen to the work done in another format visit Byron Katie's website at www.thework.org.

Best Wishes and Happy New Year,

Pirooz M. Kalayeh