Gods of Spandex Ten Week Program

I received an e-mail from GODS OF SPANDEX. I registered for their diet program. It's kind of crazy. I don't know if it's even possible. I like that they're truthful though. I think they called me a whale. Weird. I guess they bully people. Who knows? I don't really care about the diet as much as the prize money - $10,000!! All I have to do is document my experience, meet the ideal weight, and send them photographs. Big deal. I could do that in my sleep. Now all I have to do is pay $50 and do the program. Here's the e-mail they sent me. I'm supposed to get one every other day or so.



You are 203 lbs.. Your daily calorie intake must be 1,377 calories to lose 4.0 pounds a week. You must do this or be castrated. So it has been declared by the GODS OF SPANDEX.

7/28 = 199 lbs
8/4 = 195 lbs
8/11 = 191 lbs
8/18 = 187 lbs
8/25 = 183 lbs
9/1 = 179 lbs
9/8 = 175 lbs
9/15 = 171 lbs
9/22 = 167 lbs
9/29 = 163 lbs

163 lbs = IDEAL WEIGHT

The Gods of Spandex Ten Week Program must be followed by recuperative weeks. They must also include being physically active for one to two hours per day. Be one with your spandex. Be one with the child you've swallowed.*


1,700 calories

10/06 = 163 lbs
10/13 = 163 lbs
10/20 = 163 lbs
10/27 = 163 lbs

According to the Gods of Spandex, after you have reached your ideal weight, you must eat like a canary for the REST OF YOUR LIFE

2,000 calories

or until YOUR metabolism slows in a few more years. Until then, we the, GODS OF SPANDEX, will enjoy watching a superhero get healthy, lose nicotine for good, and try not to kill those around him. We, the GODS OF SPANDEX, support you wholeheartedly on this quest.



*For those new to the Gods of Spandex Ten Week Program, you are encouraged to count calories. Most whale-like superheros use The Daily Plate.

GODS OF SPANDEX motto of the day: "Give me my lettuce, bitch!"

No comments: