George Cleveland Jefferson Washington
I got word that the fourth wife is getting re-married. I was ecstatic for her, until I asked for the money I had left with her. Apparently, she used the funds to champion her local congregation. I was speechless. Especially when she told me she thought the work she had done with her volunteer service was better than my last term in office. At first, I couldn't tell if she was being facetious or malevolent, but it turns out she actually believed this statement. Dear constituents, I have no words for this affront. Money is a valuable commodity, and should be used to dispose of volunteer services in favor of the truly deserving. That is right. I am talking about you, my constituents. You fine folks who slave over bonds, taxes, and revolutions, to see your children wealthy and powerful, are the truly deserving - not some do-gooder after vengeance!
A flock of seagulls caw behind the President's podium.
Yes, I am just as surprised as you are. Why someone would do such a thing, and not be aware of the hurt something like that would cause, is beyond my faculties. What could I say though? Some people are just blind to others and not very considerate, and there is not much one can do to change that scenario.
"Well," I said to her, "I'm glad you got to make it your own, my dear. I hope your congregation continues to flourish."
"Thank you, Mortimer. I will pass on your gracious blessings to all involved."
"That would be lovely."
"Will you be keeping my good name, Margaret?"
"John asked if I would change it, but I do so much like the sound of it. Margaret Needlebaum. It has a nice ring to it don't you think?"
"Well, we Needlebaum's have always been proud of the sonics of our good name."
My dear constituents, if it were up to me. I would make all who remarry go back to their original names, as it will shine poorly on my good name. Can you just imagine? Margaret is off doing volunteer work, and I will have to suffer the shame of this embarrassment. Oh, dear. When bad fortune befalls us, we must surely take a step back to allow for the entire barrel to be dumped upon the dregs. I am simply waiting for some more bad news to couple this sour day.
My only salvaging consolation is that I don't have to have that kind of inconsiderate and malicious behavior around me ever again. It has even struck me that Margaret may have been this type of voluntarist and adventurer all along. Our nights spent counting gold bullion, and petting each other's wigs was simply a facade for her to get her talons upon my good name and family fortune. How frightful and seemingly devastating it all is. It seems she has been this do-gooder person all along and I simply didn't see it. It's hard to accept, but it could be the truth.
In any case, I am not one to ponder over losses endlessly. She spent funds and is out to sully my good name, and that's reality. All I can do is make more funds, and help you, my constituents, do the same. What else is there? Fight, you say? Get her to change her name? No, no, no. None of that matters. It's just my bowels that are getting upset. I have no idea what that dear woman went though during our separation. God knows I am quite a difficult loss to any woman, and If she needed to start a volunteer service and sully the family name, then so be it. The Needlebaum's have gone through far worse disasters, and they will persevere through this minor incident as well.
That is why I am here among you folks today to announce that the rumor that I will be changing my name George Cleveland Jefferson Washington Lincoln King is a falsity. There is nothing that would keep me from bearing the name, Needlebaum, proudly into the night. And for any of you who would say otherwise, please show yourselves now, so that I may drop you a shilling in hopes that you use the spare change from my children's pockets to offer you a fresh perspective and better life - because any man who who would dare say such a thing is not worthy of being my constituent, and may as well join that woman's needlework group.
Are there any takers?
Nay. No. Nada. Niet.
Well, now that we have that cleared up. I would like to move to the next order of business. Franklin, please call in Bishop Planture. We are going to have to do something about this uprising in Albuquerque. We can't have Experimentalists, or whatever they call themselves, running amok, and ruining Christmas for surveyors of the East Territory. There must be an opportunity for us all to pray to one God, serve only him, and burn any of these so-called Experimentalists who stand in our way.
Aye! Aye! Si. Oui. Way!