My Indiana Girl

I am in love. No, that's not the right word. It's not love. It's more like a crush. But it would be better to use the word "crunch" because that’s how I feel when it comes to IndianaGirl. Believe me. I try. I flirt. I show all the signs of saying, "Hey, do you like milk, because I like milk too.” I get looks. A great smile. A Midwest lilt. Laughter. Even smiley faces and lol over and over.

“You got to hit the ball over there,” Dacheux tells me

“Hit the ball?”

“Yeah,” she tells me. “It's not Wimbledon. You just got to hit it

"So you're saying it's more like the Junior's? I got to work myself to the national championship?"

"Yeah, sure." she laughs. "It's the Junior's. Now you got to hit something over there. See what happens."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm in Dangerous Liaisons, the Board Game. You ever see that movie?"

"Yeah," she laughs. "That would be a great board game."

“But it can’t look like Trivial Pursuit. It has to be like Chutes and Ladders with all the ladders and everything.”

“Yeah, then we can slide down.”

Today I sit and stare. I got a heart and paperclips in my pocket. I’ve got a beard. It’s got red in it. I look in the monitor. I am handsome. This is the truth. I tell IndianaGirl. I IM it. James Bond style.

“I can see myself in the monitor. I am handsome. This is the truth. I also dance naked to 80’s jams. It makes me feel good. I am going to dance today after work. That’s it. I’ve decided.”

“I love that you told me that,” her IM giggles. “I dance naked all the time. Most girls do. I like picturing a guy dance naked by themselves. It’s sexy.”

This is the moment. No hesitation.

“You still going to do Wonder Woman for me?”

“Not in the office.”

“Why not?”

I wait for a reply. I listen to The Slipshod Swingers. I don’t do any work. I think about fictional dates. Dacheux tells me it’s the only way.

“Fictional?”

“Yeah, I go on them all the time. I sit around on my sofa and go to New York City. I imagine what I say, what Allan will say. It’s great.”

“Mmmm. I haven’t ever done that.”

“Oh, you got to.”

It would be nice to go to the House of Pies with IndianaGirl. I would get lemon meringue. A glass of milk. We could talk about Dangerous Liaisons, the Board Game.

“Have you ever heard of it?” I ask her.

“No,” she laughs. “But I have heard of Memoir of Geisha, the Card Game.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good. It involves a lot of looking. You got to make people stop in their tracks.”

“I could do that.”

“So you think you could make me stop in my tracks?”

“Sure, watch.”

I give her my look. It could melt butter. It puts Zoolander to shame.

“That’s pretty good,” she laughs. “You want to see mine.”

She tilts her head down to the pie. She laughs a little. Then [lights up.]

A man and woman sit across from one another. The woman is looking down at her pie. The man looks intently at her. She looks up.

Man: Devastating.

Woman: (Laughs) Yeah, right.

Man: No, it’s devastating. I can’t even move. You are the Geisha. You win. I give up.

Woman: (Laughing) I love your style. You need to have your own reality show.

Man: Already got one. It's happening right now. It's you and me.

Woman: Nice.

Man: Yeah, it is.

Woman: You want some of my pie?

Man: Yeah.

Woman picks at pie. Man drinks from his glass.

They look at one another. Then [lights down.]

Cue MUSIC.