I am just so sad right now. Can't stop crying. Think something heavy is melting away. This piece that has been over my heart for a long time. This piece that I didn't know about. Now it's clear.
All my wishes have come so easily for me. Today I found the greatest help from my family and friends. It looks like I will finally be moving to L.A.
This has been such a long, hard struggle for me.
The first time I wanted to go to L.A., I was 19. I had no money. I was going to school for neuroscience and hating it. I remember packing a backpack, and telling my roommate I was heading off.
"Where you going?" he asked.
"L.A.," I said.
"Cool, man," he said. "Good luck."
Then I started walking. I made it to this clearing in the woods behind Ray Street. I lit some candles, pulled out some Rimbaud, read it like a prayer, and then really started praying.
I remember getting a clear message. It wasn't time yet. There was stuff I had to do in Delaware.
I walked back through the forest, yelling at the bushes like a madman, "I can see you! I'm not afraid," I shouted.
Not sure what it was at the time. Now I have a better idea. I was chasing my own destiny.
Now 10 years later, I finally got my chance. I will leave for L.A. on my birthday, July 11th.
I am so happy. I am also so sad. It feels like I'm leaving home for the first time. Which is pretty ridiculous, considering I've been out on my own for quite some time. It's just that this is the first time I've been able to feel what a home was.
Things were confusing for me as a child. Tough neighborhoods. Tough demands. But now, everything is possible. It is just so amazing, and I am so very thankful.
Thank you Dear God. Thank you so much. I can't say how much it means to make it through this year, to have the friends and family I have, to be held by you daily in your beautiful light. I love you so much.
In order to say goodbye to my past. I post now the only pictures I have from my childhood.
Love to you all. All I get left. In a tumbled heap that reaching grunts try to find.