Grassroots Promotional Post (for T.L.)

Tao Lin wrote Shoplifting from American Apparel. He is an author. He has written several books. He requested a grassroots promotional post. I believe in grass, roots, and Tao Lin. His book will soon be mine. I will wear it on my head. I will call it my “inner poetry hat.” Then a chipmunk will appear. It will ask why I didn’t offer to draw a hamster for him. “Because Tao draws hamsters,” I will tell the chipmunk. “I am the one who writes about weird fantasies in corporations and makes cheesy animated videos.” I have now written 89 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a teacher. I wonder if Tao would ever consider teaching. He might help young minds. Tao Lin wrote You Are a Little Bit Happier Than I Am. He is an author. He has written several books. He requested a grassroots promotional post. I believe in finches, kim chi, and Tao Lin. His book will soon be mine. I will wear it on my elbow. I will call it my “inner ear cheese.” Then a chipmunk will appear. It will ask why I didn’t offer to draw a squid for him. “Because Tao draws squids. I am the one who writes about weird fantasies in Kuala Lampur and makes passionate heart-shaped glow in the dark stickers.” I have now written 210 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a priest. I wonder if Tao would ever consider priesting. He might help young children. Tao Lin wrote Bed. He is an author. He has read several coloring books. He requested a grassroots promotional post. I believe in sour, sweet, and Tao Lin. His book will soon be liquid. I will wear it on my toes. I will call it my “manicured poetry hammer.” Then a weatherman will appear. He will ask why I didn’t offer to draw a whale for him. “Because Tao draws whales,” I will tell Nick. “I am the one who sings about Britney Spears in Girls Gone Wild videos.” I have now written 327 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a wet sponge. I wonder if Tao would ever consider washing cars. He might raise some money. Tao Lin wrote Eeeee Eee Eeee. He is not a fish stick. He has talked about fishing in a poem. He requested a grassroots promotional post. I believe in fire, memory, and Tao Lin. His book will soon be ice. I will pull it from the freezer. I will call it my “inner cube of nothingness.” Then a cup will appear. It will ask why I didn’t offer to pour some Jim Beam inside it. “Because Tao pours Jim Beam,” I will say. “I am the one who pours out the contents of my Juicy Fruit bubblegum in a commercial in my mind.” I have now written 444 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a pet. I wonder if Tao would ever consider owning himself. He might guard his apartment. Tao Lin wrote Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He is almost a hipster. He has lived close to Williamsburg and visited Silverlake. He requested a grassroots promotional post. I believe in tattoos, HTML Giant, and Tao Lin. His book will soon disappear. I will not know where it is. I will call it my “invisible poetry horseshoe.” Then a police officer will appear. She will ask why I didn’t offer to arrest Tao Lin. “Because Tao gets arrested without me,” I will say. “I am the one who doesn’t believe in getting involved in other people’s business. I like to sit in my house and draw pictures of Lindsey Lohan in 12 years.” I have now written 561 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a teacher. I wonder if Tao would ever consider falling from his mighty blog tycoon status. He might help Robert Redford at Sundance. Tao Lin wrote Hikikomori with Ellen Kennedy. She is also an author. She has written several books. She did not request a grassroots promotional post. I believe in clouds, whiskers on kittens, and Ellen Kennedy. Her second book will soon be published. I will promote it on my blog. I will call it my “Ellen Kennedy Grassroots Promotion.” Then a parakeet will appear. It will ask why my little brother squashed him. “Because he was only three years old and had difficulty walking,” I will say. “I tried to save you.” I have now written 678 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a messiah. I wonder if Tao would ever consider climbing a mountain. He might find tablets. Tao Lin wrote Today the Sky Is Blue and White with Bright Blue Spots and a Small Pale Moon and I Will Destroy Our Relationship Today. It is an e-book. He has written several e-books. He requested a grassroots promotional post. I believe in loneliness, death, and Tao Lin. His book will soon be a reason for people to make money from American Apparel. I will not be surprised if it is sold in American Apparel. They will call it a “book” and say it is “for sale.” Then a customer will appear. He will ask why are there quotes around “for sale” and “book.” And the manager will say, “Because Tao draws hamsters. Pirooz is the one who writes about weird fantasies in corporations and makes cheesy animated videos.” The manager has not written 795 words. I have. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a lot more words than I have now. I wonder if Tao would ever consider writing a 1,500 promotional post for me. He might help young me. Tao Lin wrote This Emotion Was a Little E-Book. He is emotional. He has experienced several emotions. He requested an emotional promotional post. I believe in tears, Zooey Deschanel, and Tao Lin. Her movies are very bad. I will not watch them. She is a good singer though. I saw her sing jazz once. It was nice. Then a chipmunk will not appear. It will not ask why I didn’t thank him for all the fish. “Douglas Adams is the one who writes about weird fantasies in serials and makes bad screen adaptations.” I have now written 1,037 words. Tao requested 1,500 mg of heroin. That could kill a person. I wonder if Tao would ever consider taking 1,500 mg of heroin for a promotional post. He might die. Tao Lin is not dead yet. He is a living author. He has written several books. He has also requested a grassroots promotional penis. I believe in Anne Frank, wigs, and Tao Lin. His books will soon be sold on Ebay when people look for “transformers,” but end up getting “books” instead. I will wear Laser Beak on my shoulder. I will call it my “inner toy animal.” Then a G.I. Joe will appear. It will ask why I didn’t offer to purchase him on Ebay. “Because Tao likes G.I. Joe,” I will explain. “I am the one who didn’t have any money as a kid, so I only got Musclemen by stealing from Woolworths.” I have now written 1,188 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a lot more than I thought it would be. I am starting to get tired. It’s already 6:09 a.m. I wonder if Tao would ever consider teaching. He might help young minds. Tao Lin wrote Shoplifting from American Apparel. He is an author. He has written several books. He requested a grassroots promotional post. I believe in cheating, stealing, and Tao Lin. His book will soon be stolen. I will wear it on my head. I will call it my “gift.” Then an American Apparel employee will appear. He will ask why I didn’t offer to buy him a pair of low-grade grandma sunglasses. “Because no one needs those glasses,” I will say. “It would be a waste of money.” I have now written 1,321 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a hippopotamus. I wonder if Tao would ever consider a spelling bee. He might make that his next promotional post. Tao Lin did not write this. He is less emotional when he writes. He likes to drink water mixed with poisonous eels. He requested a grassroots promotional fence. I believe in respect, solemnity, and Tao Lin. His book will soon be a cure against Swine Flu. I will wear it as a mask. I will call it my “salubrious oeuf.” Then Salvador Dali will appear. He will ask why I didn’t offer to make a statue out of tinfoil for him. “Because Tao does origami. I am the one who made Chinese stars in gym class and shot them at all the kids playing kickball.” I have now written 1,459 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a copy and paste nightmare. I wonder if Tao would ever consider another book of poetry. He might help cantankerous MILFS. Tao Lin wrote me an email today. It said, “Nice. Thanks.” He is an author. He has written several books. He requested a grassroots promotional post. I believe in Stella Adler, Bravo, and James Lipton. His TV show will soon be cancelled. I will celebrate with a show of my own. I will call it my “inner poetry hat show.” Then a TV executive will appear. She will ask why I didn’t offer to draw a hamster for Tao Lin. “Because I draw comics about ashtrays and people getting robbed.” I have now written 1,583 words. Tao requested 1,500 words. That is like a shitload more than I needed to write.