Existence

I was going to live with my brother in Los Angeles. Now I am not. I guess Sogee and I could still do it, but it doesn't look that way. Sogee wants to be alone. She says things like "We'll be okay if it's just me and you." I don't argue with her. We're pretty good when we're alone. Our only fights are about how we don't have as much freedom as we did in Korea, which basically means we had more money and could do more meaningless shit, like going to the movies and buying bad food that can kill you. Now we just go to the park and walk for an hour and a half everyday. We talk, or don't talk at all, and sit next next to each other a lot.

Sometimes I think that we'll get sick of each other and need to go out and be by ourselves, but that doesn't really happen. I usually just keep sitting there, and she keeps sitting there too. It's only when we go to our computers that we're alone.

We spend a lot of time on our computers. I think, maybe, computers are what we have the best relationships with. I don't talk to my computer. Neither does she. We just surf the Internet sitting next to each other. Then, after a while, we'll look at each other, or someone will sigh.

Yesterday I told Sogee I'd like to write another novel when we get to Los Angeles. She didn't seem to object.

The last time I wrote a couple novels the relationship I was in went to shit. I think that was because we didn't have computers.

It might have also had to do with our incompatibility.

Someone just asked me if I am finding peace on IM. When people say things like that, it makes me really confused for a second, because I don't know if I want to throw up or answer. It's like someone's trying real hard to be spiritual or something with me. I am too much of a nice guy not to answer a person though.

I didn't used to be like that. I was much meaner. I would tell people they were "assholes" or make scenes in public places just to see what would happen.

I thought I was being inventive.

I was just young. I almost said an asshole, but I think that goes without saying.

Now I'm still an asshole. I just get to see those moments more privately.

I wonder if there's anything I am afraid of writing or saying. I often get obsessed with that. I think my mind thinks that if I write out my inner thoughts, they won't matter as much to me anymore.

That happens sometimes for me. It's usually with stories though.

In my last post, I wrote about Michael Jackson. It was a memory told about when I was a kid. Now I'm an adult. I don't really care about Michael Jackson. I think I would like to say things about "celebrity" and how people are consumed by Michael Jackson because of their "egoic connection" with him as a representation of themselves in it's most extreme form, but I don't really care enough about that. Actually, let me rephrase that. I don't feel like changing the tone of this writing.

I read an "Invisible Sign of My Own" by Aimee Bender last week. It was a good book. I contacted her to do an interview. If she responds, I would like to ask her questions about teaching writing.

Now I am reading Haruki Murakami's "Sputnik Baby." It is my first time reading a book of his. It feels like reading other books in translation, like Dostoevsky and Tolstoy.

Sometimes I think I read to find something that doesn't exist.