Last night I had a panic attack. The executive's son at my company bought a copy of the Ass book. I didn't feel good about it. He's 14 or so. I thought he was too young.
"Don't get in trouble," I said.
"I won't," he said. "Sign it."
"Chase the Moon," I wrote. "Be the Sun."
The kid was thrilled. Not me though. I was pretty sure this was the end for me. One look at a book about Ass, and that might be my last day in television.
I guess that's a pretty stupid thought, huh?
Then comes one that supercedes all others. The Ass book isn't good enough. It needs work.
This might very well be true. It's a flawed book, but that was what it was all about. No changes. Who knows?
I think I'm feeling wretchedly strange because all I have read this last week is Charles Bukowski, and now I've watched 3 DVD's about him and, and it's all getting to be a bit much, and I keep asking, "What the fuck am I doing?"
It's a great moment of panic. Am I now the Ass guy? Will it be harder to get a date? Will I have to be a switch hitter?
"Oh, no," a guy at work tells me. "You're fucked on both ends."
I felt better this morning though. The book finally showed up on Borders and Amazon. (It's about time!) I will be dealing with the ftp to get Golden Ashtray images onto the database. Hopefully, it works this time.
"Anything else?" you ask.
I'm writing a book. What else?
I wonder what this one will be about. Maybe, sugar. Either that or gangsters. I like gangsters. I like the way they talk. They got that sideways thing.
"Ehllo," they say. "What's it to you?"
"A fig newton," I say. "With milk."
They bring it over pretty quick. I'm surprised. That was my first sideways talking. Usually, I just talk with my lips parallel. Not this time though. Now it was all sideways.
"Enything else, Boss?" one of them asks.
"Yeah," I say sideways. "I need potassium."
"Pa-what?" Jimmy, the Wrench asks.
"Bananas," I say.
The Wrench runs off. I sit there with my sideways talk. I count the money on the table. This being a gangster is easy. I just had to kill people and take their money, or scare them really bad. That was easy. And now I had Jimmy, the Wrench, getting me some Potassium. This wasn't a bad life.
"No, it isn't," one of my henchman agreed.
"Want a knuckle sandwich?" I asked.
"Nah," he said.
"Well, too late," I said and popped him in the mouth. "You got one." ______________________________________________________
For those of you who want to be on the credits for Clerks II, simply add the film as your friend on myspace. The first 10,000 friends will be added to the film.
The Bob Saget Video - It's good for the first 20 seconds. Then it just gets a bit awkward. At least in the office when other human beings walk by. Superman Ring Tones - I downloaded ringtones this morning. Now I have the Superman "Love" theme pumping out of the cell. It might do wonders for me in grocery stores. At least that's what Lady M told me.
"You need to go to Trader Joe's in West Hollywood," Lady M says. "You'll be a hit."
I tried it at the pizza shop. No one knew what it was.
That's why I'm creating my own custom ringtones from here on out.
I will make some ringtones for the new record (Orange Lamborghini) and post links to them and a couple songs to build Slipshod hype. I don't think that will be hard. Songs are so good it's ridiculous. Here is a tentative list:
So I am going to hit the premiere of Bystander tonight. It will be fascinating to see myself on the big screen. At least the director keeps saying this to me.
"You're coming to the premiere, right?"
"Uh," I say.
"You have to," he hammers. "You'll get to see yourself on the big screen."
"I don't know," I say. "I might be terrified."
"Oh, come on!"
Well, I'll keep an open mind. I think it'll be fun to go to Formosa Cafe afterwards. I like to have fun with people. I am sure there will be all sorts. I like all sorts.
In other news, the album is moving along fast. Masters are done of Orange Lambhorghini. We've got an animator rocking some segments for the video. And I will be talking to Justin Peach who has signed on to direct the project.
"I just want the animated car in the beginning," I say. "Then I want a little ball to bounce along with the lyrics."
"That's no problem," he says.
"Cool," I say. "Then the rest is up to you."
I wonder what he'll come up with. Who knows? I do know that I am excited to put out a DVD with this record. It makes it extra yummy.
As far as the comic book, that will be in finalization stage this weekend.
I still don't know where it's going, and I have no idea what I think of it. It's like a wave. I can't really judge. Especially with the process. This time I have gone with 'anything goes.' No corrections. Just go.
It's been fascinating to work like this. It feels like music. It also makes it unexpected. Anything else?
(A poem about boys who like boys, girls who like girls, boys who like girls, girls who like boys, people who like people, and the War in Iraq)
magic flour Mayan power
Harry Potter chromosome
fighting back all alone
monkey made finger paint holy heather no it ain’t
back to school raising cash fighting everyone the past
melted cup a holy grail soldier love behind the veil what you need a little kiss give you Sega make a wish
Disney World and Mickey Mouse welcome to suburbia turn in hysteria turn up hysteria turn out hysteria
mosque there in Middleton no one thought he’d ever win bundled up in little space tiny house, mental space warehouse hysteria welcome to suburbia white fence tulip bed Abraham overhead Letters written lo his thigh, ‘here I is, here I lie’ up and down crazy coast love the most east coast west coast
there be a monument raised by a president circle in circle out mental waste, tiny space feeling doubt little un’s dropping dead like a fly cheerio on my eye looking out like a fly looking like a fly teenage suburbia Baghdad hysteria Sega playing on the bed Missiles flying overhead what you want what you need how you love how you bleed how you fall when your dead how you fall when your dead how you fall when your dead
Well, the car broke down again today. It might be the end of the Honda. I don't really want to say goodbye, but I might have to. 3 breakdowns, 2 tows, and a lot of patience on my part doesn't equate to a healthy driving experience.
Does this mean I will get a new car? Maybe. I don't know.
I will probably have to get one by the end of summer.
In other news, Bradford and Sheldon were patient enough to film promos today for Shikow and the new comic, "Why Do Men Do Stupid Things for Ass?"
I saw some segments and laughed the entire way. They even cast me in a bit part for the second commercial. That made me laugh too. I look like a Miami Vice football player, giving advice to young thangs. So funny. Again, I say, So funny.
I will put these up tomorrow to intrigue interest for the coming releases.
Speaking of which, there is some serious controversy over the title of the new book. It splits fifty-fifty, and with no particular gender or sexual orientation - just right down the middle.
"I can't support something with ass in the title," a colleague tells me.
"Yeah, I don't know, man."
I asked the marketing director of the firm upstairs what he thought, and he said, "Look man if someone can make millions selling Beanie Babies off the internet, than you really shouldn't have a problem with your title. The key is finding 5 percent of the population that you cater to, and market it to them. And I'm not into tailgating or football or anything, but I think they would think your book is right up their alley."
Now that really cracked me up. I am so opposite of the football player mentality it's funny. But I can't seem to let go of the title. It could be, "Why Do WE Do Stupid Things for Ass?" But is that as funny? Does that grab me where it counts?
What I find most interesting is that women have been the biggest fans and proponents of the comic. Why is that I wonder? I have no idea. It seems like I might be revealing some unspoken secret or something. Or maybe there's the thought that I will expose the soft underbelly of something that needs to remain hidden?
I don't really believe that. That might be the consensus though. I have no idea. What I do know is that the book is quite beautiful, and I am very excited to bring it out to all of you.
Just a couple days more and we will have some excerpts.
Maybe, a functioning car will coincide with that possibility.
Why Do Men Do Stupid Things for Ass? , a comic about dating in Hollywood, will be released on June 19th with Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, and Amazon. If there is anyone who would like a pre-copy for reviews, please let me know and I will send one to you.