Things That Piss Me Off and Turn Me On

1. Bureaucracy: First of all, I can't even spell it. Second, I am sick of passport agencies who say a passport is arriving one day, then tell me another, and when I expedite the process with mucho bucks, they tell me the request isn't being honored, and why don't I make an appointment to go into the passport agency. What!? Well, what's the point of mailing your passport in, if you're going to tell me to come in person anyway?

2. A bird shitting on my pants as I deal with another cookie cutter receptionist from the passport agency.

3. Not being able to shit on things that shit on me. I'm just too spiritual.

4. Words like spiritual.

5. Girls who try to hook me up with their friends after I tell them I am leaving the country.

6. Packing.

7. Amazon Marketplace who emailed me to let me know I could keep my books on their site, if I paid an additional $65 per book, and qualified the book as "Publised by Lulu." What a gip?

8. When I start whining like Haulden Caulfield.

9. People who tell me my books remind them of Catcher in the Rye.

10. A Day in the Life

11. Jennifer Connelly

12. Guitars.

13. 4 in 1 printers.

14. Chewbacca!

15. The following poem...

"Outside Art"

A humble monumental
music made of syllables
or a heartbroken crystal
cathedral with gleaming walls
of Orangina bottles

--Harryette Mullen

16. The next book I read.

17. Jesus.

18. A light switch.

19. Me.