"Baby!" she says.
"Yes," I say.
"Ba-by!" she says again.
"What is it, So Gee?"
"I am in a dilemma."
"Tell me what happened."
"I went to the Lotte Department Store."
"Okay. So-"
"So I was there and I saw this bag."
"A bag?"
"Yes, it's black and a very classic design."
"O-kaaay-"
"Yeah, so I can't stop thinking about it. It's a Chanel bag, and I think I can wear it
forever it is such a classic design, and-"
"So get it."
"Get the bag?"
"If that's what you want."
"But it's expensive."
"How expensive?"
"Guess?"
"Two thousand."
"No, it's less."
"Okay. So get it."
"You think?"
"Well, you already told me that it's a classic and you could wear it forever, so what's there to stop you?"
"It's at the duty-free shop. It's sixteen-hundred dollars."
"Okay. You make money. You've been saving right?"
"Yes."
"So if this is what is important to you, then get it."
"Get it? Deb says to get it, but Haley has been giving me a hard time about spending
that much money."
"Well, it's not their story. It's yours. If you are having trouble sleeping because of a bag, and you have the extra money to buy it, and it works for you in all the ways you said, then go buy it."
"Okay."
Silence.
"You don't think it's too expensive?"
"Ordinarily, I would say yes. But designer bags are assets. You can always re-sell it on
ebay. And that's your other option. Use eBay."
"eBay?"
"Yeah, go for it. I bet you can find the same bag for a lot less. You can also wait until we're in L.A., and go shopping there. It might be cheaper there, than here in Seoul."
"I'm checking on eBay now."
"Okay."
"They have the bag."
"Okay."
"Do you think it's safe?"
"I don't know."
"Okay. I am going to make a bid."
"Okay. I am going to bed."
"Okay. Bye, baby."
"Bye, So Gee."
DANCING STEEVE MCQUEEN
I just danced to some major hip hop hits from the 90's. Now I am sweaty. I am going to go to bed and read about Sufis getting to ecstatic states. Goodnight. Alvetazane. Arivaderci. Ciao.
SONGS I DANCED TO IN THE ORDER I DANCED TO THEM, GOODBYE:
1. BOYZ II MEN, MOTOWN PHILLY
2. BOYZ II MEN, POISON
3. HOUSE OF PAIN, JUMP AROUND
4. KRISS-KROSS, JUMP, JUMP
5. TRIBE CALLED QUEST, SCENARIO
6. BLACK SHEEP, THIS OR THAT
7. DIGITAL UNDERGROUND, HUMPTY DANCE
8. DR. DRE, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A G THANG
9. ICE CUBE, TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY
10. EMINEM, LOSE YOURSELF
11. CINDI LAUPER, TIME AFTER TIME
PS1. I WOULD LIKE ALL THESE SONGS PLAYED AT MY FUNERAL. I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE AT A CLUB. I WOULD LIKE CRYSTAL TO BE SERVED. I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE IN LOS ANGELES. EVERYONE IS INVITED THAT LIKES TO DANCE. I WILL INVITE ALL MY OLD GIRLFRIENDS TOO. THEY CAN GRIND WITH ALL MY OLD BOYFRIENDS TO "POISON". THAT WOULD BE TASTY. I WOULD LIKE MY PICTURE TO BE ON A CEREAL BOX. A POSE OF ME LOOKING LIKE TONY, THE TIGER. THAT WILL BE THE ONLY IMAGE. OTHER THAN THAT, I WOULD LIKE TONE-LOC TO ANNOUNCE MY PASSING LIKE, "ALRIGHT, YO! HE BE 'ILLIN." THEN I WANT EVERYONE TO GRIND. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, I WOULD LIKE THE DJ TO PLAY CINDI LAUPER. I CAN GO TO HEAVEN ON HER VOICE. THEN I WANT THE DJ TO PLAY "WHITE LINES" SO EVERYONE LEAVES ON A HAPPY NOTE AND SWEATY.
PS2. I DON'T THINK A FUNERAL iS GOOD UNLESS YOU LEAVE SWEATY.
PS3. EVERYONE CAN ARRIVE AT THE VENUE IN A S.W.A.T. VAN, FOOT, BICYCLE, OR OTHER MODE OF TRANSPORTATION. I DON'T REALLY MIND WHICH. I JUST WANTED TO SAY S.W.A.T..
SONGS I DANCED TO IN THE ORDER I DANCED TO THEM, GOODBYE:
1. BOYZ II MEN, MOTOWN PHILLY
2. BOYZ II MEN, POISON
3. HOUSE OF PAIN, JUMP AROUND
4. KRISS-KROSS, JUMP, JUMP
5. TRIBE CALLED QUEST, SCENARIO
6. BLACK SHEEP, THIS OR THAT
7. DIGITAL UNDERGROUND, HUMPTY DANCE
8. DR. DRE, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A G THANG
9. ICE CUBE, TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY
10. EMINEM, LOSE YOURSELF
11. CINDI LAUPER, TIME AFTER TIME
PS1. I WOULD LIKE ALL THESE SONGS PLAYED AT MY FUNERAL. I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE AT A CLUB. I WOULD LIKE CRYSTAL TO BE SERVED. I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE IN LOS ANGELES. EVERYONE IS INVITED THAT LIKES TO DANCE. I WILL INVITE ALL MY OLD GIRLFRIENDS TOO. THEY CAN GRIND WITH ALL MY OLD BOYFRIENDS TO "POISON". THAT WOULD BE TASTY. I WOULD LIKE MY PICTURE TO BE ON A CEREAL BOX. A POSE OF ME LOOKING LIKE TONY, THE TIGER. THAT WILL BE THE ONLY IMAGE. OTHER THAN THAT, I WOULD LIKE TONE-LOC TO ANNOUNCE MY PASSING LIKE, "ALRIGHT, YO! HE BE 'ILLIN." THEN I WANT EVERYONE TO GRIND. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, I WOULD LIKE THE DJ TO PLAY CINDI LAUPER. I CAN GO TO HEAVEN ON HER VOICE. THEN I WANT THE DJ TO PLAY "WHITE LINES" SO EVERYONE LEAVES ON A HAPPY NOTE AND SWEATY.
PS2. I DON'T THINK A FUNERAL iS GOOD UNLESS YOU LEAVE SWEATY.
PS3. EVERYONE CAN ARRIVE AT THE VENUE IN A S.W.A.T. VAN, FOOT, BICYCLE, OR OTHER MODE OF TRANSPORTATION. I DON'T REALLY MIND WHICH. I JUST WANTED TO SAY S.W.A.T..
Repeat
I read a poem today at a reading in Seoul. That was interesting. I haven't read a poem at a reading since I was doing the circuit in Denver in 2005. I guess that's a long time to not read a poem. Like in Denver, I often feel like people have no idea what I'm saying. Some things are better performance pieces than others.
Anyway, now I'm at home. I'm looking forward to tennis and a night with So Gee tomorrow. So Gee wants to see this Kung Fu Panda movie. I'm okay with that. There really aren't that many choices in this country for movies. It's usually just action flicks and animation in English. Everything else is either a Korean or foreign film with Korean subtitles. That doesn't make me mad or anything though. I've actually found a nice interest in action films. I've seen about a hundred my year and a half in Korea so far.
Earlier today, some folks were talking about how I was heading home after the next semester. They were wondering why. That made me a bit uncomfortable. I had to sort of come clean that there were other things waiting for me at home. It might have come off as snobbish. I wasn't trying to be though. I was just being honest. The guy I was talking to seemed to understand. He didn't try to persuade me to stay or anything. He just commented about how he was only supposed to be in Korea temporarily, and now it had been ten years. I told him I understood. Then I walked away. There wasn't much to say after that.
I wonder why people stay in situations that make them unhappy. I only wonder this for a second though, because I understand that sometimes things are beyond your control. Who knows? A person may not see another option open to them. They could also be in a bind financially, and have to take a path for a time being - a factor that might stretch longer than they had hoped.
I would say that is where I am slightly. I could head home, but that would put me out of a nice nest egg upon my return. Believe me. I've considered bailing on the idea of being financially anywhere. The truth hits home after you've lived a certain lifestyle though. I guess I can't seem to imagine being shit-for-broke and living the tough one anymore. It just doesn't make much sense.
If I wasn't planning on ever getting hitched to anyone, I probably wouldn't have the same concerns. I could just roost in some hole-in-the-wall small town and keep to myself. God knows I've known people who prefer this type of existence to the limitations a significant other or big city living could place on the Kung Fu wayward wanderer looking to see where the road takes them. If I entertained a possibility of solitude, I would lose hope somewhere between my romantic ideals and a cold night in the woods with no food. I've lived enough hardship to ever trek that way again.
No, I would say the choices before me have already been made. I am open to them changing, and I'll adapt if need be, but choosing stupidity over ease, simply isn't going to happen. I've got until December in Korea to go. Once I'm done, I won't make the mistake of leaving what I call home after that. The only question is where that home will be. New York calls me like Flea accosted Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future II. I'm close to taking the bait, when L.A. punches her in the face.
If I were L.A., I would start a riot.
If I were Charles Bukowski, I would drive a Pinto.
If I were an Oldsmobile, I would call up Henry Ford.
If I were Lee Iaccoca, I would start a sweepstakes.
If I were a Megaball, I would spin in a tube.
If I were at Sesame Place, I would go down a slide.
If I were Grover, I would not be able to close my mouth.
If I were a river, I would call myself Mr. Zippe.
If I were in ninth grade, I would be short.
If I were Gary Coleman, I would be in a reality show.
If I were Rosencrantz, Guildenstern would be dead.
If I were a zombie, I would walk on the moon.
If I were Michael Jackson, I would be sad.
If I were me, I would turn into U.
If I were a magnet, I would be a tar pit trap.
If I were Courtney Love, I would sue.
If I were Salinger, I would be a recluse.
If I were Kermit, I would sing on a log.
If I were snoring, I would wake up.
If I were awake, I wouldn't be asleep.
If I were a wrinkle, I would get laser treatment.
If I were my back, I would be afraid.
If I were stronger, I would turn myself loose.
If I were a tiger, I would attack a villager.
If I were a child, I would get eaten.
If I were bones on the ground, people would bury me.
If I were in the dirt, you wouldn't see me.
If I were growing daffodils, I would bring you some.
If I were a gentleman caller, I would court my mother.
If I were homophobic, I would throw up.
If I were sick, I would call a doctor.
If I were Bugs Bunny, I would know what to say.
If I were a silent movie, it would only be read.
If I were a composer, I would find other notes.
If I were a melody, I would turn on myself.
If I were inside, I would see the same as I do now.
If I were looking at you, I would tell you the truth.
If I were a lie, I would do it all over.
Anyway, now I'm at home. I'm looking forward to tennis and a night with So Gee tomorrow. So Gee wants to see this Kung Fu Panda movie. I'm okay with that. There really aren't that many choices in this country for movies. It's usually just action flicks and animation in English. Everything else is either a Korean or foreign film with Korean subtitles. That doesn't make me mad or anything though. I've actually found a nice interest in action films. I've seen about a hundred my year and a half in Korea so far.
Earlier today, some folks were talking about how I was heading home after the next semester. They were wondering why. That made me a bit uncomfortable. I had to sort of come clean that there were other things waiting for me at home. It might have come off as snobbish. I wasn't trying to be though. I was just being honest. The guy I was talking to seemed to understand. He didn't try to persuade me to stay or anything. He just commented about how he was only supposed to be in Korea temporarily, and now it had been ten years. I told him I understood. Then I walked away. There wasn't much to say after that.
I wonder why people stay in situations that make them unhappy. I only wonder this for a second though, because I understand that sometimes things are beyond your control. Who knows? A person may not see another option open to them. They could also be in a bind financially, and have to take a path for a time being - a factor that might stretch longer than they had hoped.
I would say that is where I am slightly. I could head home, but that would put me out of a nice nest egg upon my return. Believe me. I've considered bailing on the idea of being financially anywhere. The truth hits home after you've lived a certain lifestyle though. I guess I can't seem to imagine being shit-for-broke and living the tough one anymore. It just doesn't make much sense.
If I wasn't planning on ever getting hitched to anyone, I probably wouldn't have the same concerns. I could just roost in some hole-in-the-wall small town and keep to myself. God knows I've known people who prefer this type of existence to the limitations a significant other or big city living could place on the Kung Fu wayward wanderer looking to see where the road takes them. If I entertained a possibility of solitude, I would lose hope somewhere between my romantic ideals and a cold night in the woods with no food. I've lived enough hardship to ever trek that way again.
No, I would say the choices before me have already been made. I am open to them changing, and I'll adapt if need be, but choosing stupidity over ease, simply isn't going to happen. I've got until December in Korea to go. Once I'm done, I won't make the mistake of leaving what I call home after that. The only question is where that home will be. New York calls me like Flea accosted Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future II. I'm close to taking the bait, when L.A. punches her in the face.
If I were L.A., I would start a riot.
If I were Charles Bukowski, I would drive a Pinto.
If I were an Oldsmobile, I would call up Henry Ford.
If I were Lee Iaccoca, I would start a sweepstakes.
If I were a Megaball, I would spin in a tube.
If I were at Sesame Place, I would go down a slide.
If I were Grover, I would not be able to close my mouth.
If I were a river, I would call myself Mr. Zippe.
If I were in ninth grade, I would be short.
If I were Gary Coleman, I would be in a reality show.
If I were Rosencrantz, Guildenstern would be dead.
If I were a zombie, I would walk on the moon.
If I were Michael Jackson, I would be sad.
If I were me, I would turn into U.
If I were a magnet, I would be a tar pit trap.
If I were Courtney Love, I would sue.
If I were Salinger, I would be a recluse.
If I were Kermit, I would sing on a log.
If I were snoring, I would wake up.
If I were awake, I wouldn't be asleep.
If I were a wrinkle, I would get laser treatment.
If I were my back, I would be afraid.
If I were stronger, I would turn myself loose.
If I were a tiger, I would attack a villager.
If I were a child, I would get eaten.
If I were bones on the ground, people would bury me.
If I were in the dirt, you wouldn't see me.
If I were growing daffodils, I would bring you some.
If I were a gentleman caller, I would court my mother.
If I were homophobic, I would throw up.
If I were sick, I would call a doctor.
If I were Bugs Bunny, I would know what to say.
If I were a silent movie, it would only be read.
If I were a composer, I would find other notes.
If I were a melody, I would turn on myself.
If I were inside, I would see the same as I do now.
If I were looking at you, I would tell you the truth.
If I were a lie, I would do it all over.
House Hunters Is Looking for Guests
My friend, Cindy, is working on a show called House Hunters for HGTV. At the moment, she is looking for Realtors and Home buyers from ALL OVER! The show is shooting in the states and abroad (Italy, France, Spain, Canada..you name it!)
If you know of anyone who might be interested in participating, email Cindy at Cindy_Ransom@pietown.tv or call by phone at 818-205-0654.
If you know of anyone who might be interested in participating, email Cindy at Cindy_Ransom@pietown.tv or call by phone at 818-205-0654.
Rebel, Rebel!
Being in a relationship is hard. I tell this to So Gee as we eat at an Outback in Seoul. We have just gotten done having a fight. It is our third in the past year. The first two were at public places as well. The first was her telling me not to eat McDonald's in Suyu. That made me mad. I like Big Macs. The second I don't remember. This one was her warning me that my behavior in the restaurant could be deemed inappropriate.
"In Korea, if you repeat what people say in Korean, they could get offended. They might think you are mocking them."
"I'm not though. I'm just trying to learn the language."
"But they might think-"
"I don't care what they think. Why would I live like that? You know my intention."
"I'm just saying what they might think in Korea."
Sometimes I love resistance in the face of propriety. I call out in the middle of the restaurant. I shout various things:
"Bulgogi!"
"Sulgogi bop!"
"Akalaka ding dong!"
Nothing means anything. They are just names of different food dishes in Korea.
When the waitress comes to take our order, I talk in jibberish. I make noises in a sing-song that sounds like "Icky-ticky-ah-yeah-yeah-yeah bulgogi suck it."
So Gee doesn't talk to me until she finishes her cheese fries. This is her way. She has made it clear in the past: "If I am mad, I don't speak. I only talk when I am rational."
I continue making noises for twenty seconds. Then I get bored. I eat cheese fries for five minutes. Neither of us speak. Then So Gee stands from her seat, walks to my right, and shoulders me into moving over. She puts her head on my shoulder. We wait for the bill.
"I don't think she understood what you meant when you asked for the bill."
"You mean 'ookie-aka-sookie" doesn't mean anything?" I ask, as I scribble on an imaginary notepad with my hands.
"No," she smiles.
"Then let's go talk to her."
We stand outside of our booth. The French Open is playing on the television set in the background. I cannot understand a single word anyone is saying around me. I make the international sign for check to our waitress across the restaurant. She rushes over. She talks to So Gee in Korean. I imagine I have instantaneously become fluent. I begin a one person show. Lights dim in the restaurant, as a stagehand puts a stool behind me. I sit. I light a smoke. I begin my tale. It starts with a joke about Paris Hilton. I use this entry because I know Korean culture. I know she has just done a Filas advertisement and bought another chihuahua. I know it is image and the plays within it that this materialistic culture responds to. I dance after my joke. I materialize an audience laughing harder. They call out for the joke again. I can't say a word though. My fluency has disappeared. I am in an Outback Steakhouse. My "bulgogi" rings out in the restaurant once more. So Gee turns away from me with a smile on her face. I think, "If my mind operated on any another frequency, I would be so bored."
"You are so bad," So Gee says.
"Yes," I agree. "Completely naughty."
"In Korea, if you repeat what people say in Korean, they could get offended. They might think you are mocking them."
"I'm not though. I'm just trying to learn the language."
"But they might think-"
"I don't care what they think. Why would I live like that? You know my intention."
"I'm just saying what they might think in Korea."
Sometimes I love resistance in the face of propriety. I call out in the middle of the restaurant. I shout various things:
"Bulgogi!"
"Sulgogi bop!"
"Akalaka ding dong!"
Nothing means anything. They are just names of different food dishes in Korea.
When the waitress comes to take our order, I talk in jibberish. I make noises in a sing-song that sounds like "Icky-ticky-ah-yeah-yeah-yeah bulgogi suck it."
So Gee doesn't talk to me until she finishes her cheese fries. This is her way. She has made it clear in the past: "If I am mad, I don't speak. I only talk when I am rational."
I continue making noises for twenty seconds. Then I get bored. I eat cheese fries for five minutes. Neither of us speak. Then So Gee stands from her seat, walks to my right, and shoulders me into moving over. She puts her head on my shoulder. We wait for the bill.
"I don't think she understood what you meant when you asked for the bill."
"You mean 'ookie-aka-sookie" doesn't mean anything?" I ask, as I scribble on an imaginary notepad with my hands.
"No," she smiles.
"Then let's go talk to her."
We stand outside of our booth. The French Open is playing on the television set in the background. I cannot understand a single word anyone is saying around me. I make the international sign for check to our waitress across the restaurant. She rushes over. She talks to So Gee in Korean. I imagine I have instantaneously become fluent. I begin a one person show. Lights dim in the restaurant, as a stagehand puts a stool behind me. I sit. I light a smoke. I begin my tale. It starts with a joke about Paris Hilton. I use this entry because I know Korean culture. I know she has just done a Filas advertisement and bought another chihuahua. I know it is image and the plays within it that this materialistic culture responds to. I dance after my joke. I materialize an audience laughing harder. They call out for the joke again. I can't say a word though. My fluency has disappeared. I am in an Outback Steakhouse. My "bulgogi" rings out in the restaurant once more. So Gee turns away from me with a smile on her face. I think, "If my mind operated on any another frequency, I would be so bored."
"You are so bad," So Gee says.
"Yes," I agree. "Completely naughty."
Pool in the Hills
I listen to Michael Sembello's "Maniac".
I am underwater.
I move to the bottom of the pool.
I stick my pinky toe in the water grate.
I hook my life there.
I wait for the bridge.
Then I let go.
I surface and reach for my cell.
I speed dial Domino's.
I give my canyon address.
I go back underwater.
Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" is playing.
I am supposed to work now.
Things are expected.
I sink back to the bottom of the pool.
I want to make it the whole song.
I think I can do it.
Maybe, play tennis after.
I am underwater.
I move to the bottom of the pool.
I stick my pinky toe in the water grate.
I hook my life there.
I wait for the bridge.
Then I let go.
I surface and reach for my cell.
I speed dial Domino's.
I give my canyon address.
I go back underwater.
Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" is playing.
I am supposed to work now.
Things are expected.
I sink back to the bottom of the pool.
I want to make it the whole song.
I think I can do it.
Maybe, play tennis after.
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