Tonight my students asked me why I left L.A.. I told them how I wanted to write more. I didn't go into too much detail though. They're English was limited, and I didn't want to blow past there heads with a discussion on money, identity, or some other such concept, that would probably confuse them, so I just ended it at that. Still, I was curious after the question was posed. I mulled over the idea in my mind.
Why did you leave?
I can say money was a big reason. Although I was making a lot more in Hollywood, I wasn't necessarily happy with producing television. I just couldn't see myself doing that for an extended period of time. Add to that my escalating promotions, that required more and more time away from creative endeavors, and you have a very discontented artist. I thought that by going to Korea, I would have more time to concentrate on the creative.
Now I have found that I have less time. Teaching takes up much more head space than producing television. There is more of a responsibility at stake, whereas a Hollywood reality series was just "making the donuts." There wasn't much integrity to the job. Maybe, that is what I felt was necessary in my life - a job with integrity.
That's interesting. It could be a possibility. Needless to say, I am fairly happy teaching out here. I would like to teach less and create more, but I am sure I will be able to create that scenario as time moves forward. Right now I am considering taking on a PhD in the UK, or heading off to a writing residency. We'll see where I land.
As you can tell, I am not particularly concerned. Why would I be? Life is rather effortless. My only issue, as of late, has been dealing with disgruntled teachers, who are lashing out their feelings of discontent against innocent victims around them. That, and how to balance my teaching schedule with creating whirlwinds, are the only things that have given me any pause.
There have been a couple moments, where being in a relationship with So Hee has brought me concern. These were natural though, and after getting a good talking to by Jimmy and Dacheux, has naturally proceeded into a file labeled, "Emo," and been sent to pasture with some of my more famous sayings, such as, "I am here to destroy all cover bands."
That's a funny quote. It surprises me that I said that at one time. I have been looking at those moments though. I have been thinking about how a spiritual life devoid of knowing, can often have a similar wavelength to one which has no frequency at all. This is a rather strange thought, but I have been thinking about how there are those who practice some form of piety, and those who are the exact opposite. I can see no difference between the two.
I am also noticing how an emotional state is simply a feeling that one can allow to breathe, without having a sense that the emotion is somehow not permissible. This has been a fun and difficult experience. At times, it creates a sense of insecurity. I feel as though I do not need to feel this way, but then I recognize that it is completely okay to be flawed and imperfect.
Of course, one would hope that everyone is capable of accepting the shortcomings, or I would say, differences from one's self to others, but this is not the case for myself. I believe that I have sought perfection in many things in my life, and that the stripping of this idiocy is long overdue.
I don't really know. That's how I feel right now. It's not necessarily a complete circle, but it is enough for me to chew on, as I read Katherine Mansfield's "Garden Party."
For some reason, I am interested in reading short stories. We will see how this affects my creative output in the next week.
Quote of the Day:
(from a g-mail chat with Loren Goodman)
Coleslaw Meatloaf? -huh? Czeslaw Milosz you know his work? -Ha! I just went and got some water. I thought you were talking about him.